The first night on in rehab...memories part2

That first night, I went to bed, and I was so nervous. I didn't know if my roommate was stable enough for me to sleep in the room with. She seemed nice, but still...I had nt idea what people in a mental hospital were like. YOu can't get out of bed after lights out, because the nurses would freak out. I couldn't sleep. I got myself so upset, that I started throwing up all over myself in bed. I didn't have clothes to change into and you could only use the washing machines during certain hours...and this was not in the time frame. The nurse told me that I had to change my bed, but I had no clue where to get sheets. My roommate, Carol, went down and got me linens, made my bed, and tucked me back into bed. I knew then that I was probably safe.
I talked to my kids each day. They had ended up at my parents and I was very worried about them being there. I talked to my husband every day, but I worried about him, too.
The first day that I was there, they had outdoors time. I learned that this was not granted often so enjoy it. I went and ran the track and I sat down on a swing when I felt my leg sting. I wasn't sure if I had been bitten by something or what, but I knew that it hurt. I asked my nurse if I could have an ice pack or bandaid, and she said that you could only get that with doctor's orders, and my doctor wouldn't be in until the next day. I told her that I was prone to staph infections, and she said it didn't matter....dr's orders! A few days later, the weekend doctor came in and looked at my leg and gave orders for an icepack, bandaids, benadryl, and ibuprofen. I didn't want to take anything, because my body had just been flushed of all drugs. I finally gave into some ibuprofen one day when I was in so much pain that I couldn't stand it anymore. After I took the dose, I asked her when I could have the next dose, and she said that I was drug seeking. For Ibuprofen, really??? I had another nurse tell me at some point that she knew that I was a drug user, because I could swallow all of my pills at once. I've always been able to do that...I wasn't a drug user!
By the time i left Kingwood, I was scared to go back to a hospital, because of my expericnce, so I ended up having a 2 inch hole cut in my leg to drain the staph infection and was on crutches for the next week. I was in outpatient then, and I remember telling my nurse....really, drug seeking for ibuprofen? lol
Most people probably enjoy their stay in a mental hospital, because you can sleep all day. It's lazy time. Me? Oh no, I was bored and ready to go home. I missed my kids so much. I was told by my "friend" that had gotten me into this hospital that she knew some secrets that I'd not shared with my husband. She said that if I didn't tell her that she was going to tell him. I told him that night. He left, and I didn't know if he was coming back. That night was a huge change for me in rehab though. I went out to the smoke patio, and I was crying. Everyone was worried about me. I started to tell them what had happened, and I felt like I had the greatest support group ever. They understood what I was going through, and they didn't question my sanity like I felt everyone else did. I felt like I had to prove it to everyone else. They were like....if he loves you, he'll be there, and if not, you can do it. He did come back...every night during family visitation, he'd bring me food and we'd talk. His feelings were very hurt by what I'd done, but he said that he stayed, because he knew that if we got divorced that he'd lose Wylie. Such a big momma's boy. At that point, i was just worried if I'd ever see my kids again.
I spent my week instay, and I was ready to go home. Terry picked me up, and I was in a whole new world. Funny, it just seemed so much different to me. I was free, but really I wasn't. I had so much to prove to people. I had to see people that I'd hurt. I didn't know when I could go to the bathroom, when I could smoke, when I could eat, and when I could sleep. We went by our home for the next 3-4 months(InTown Suites) to get our room, and as we were walking to our room, I just held Terry's hand like a child wondering what this big world was all about. I know it sounds weird, but it was just like that....like a child in a big world. I took a shower and shaved for the first time. I remember sitting in that shower forever just wanting to wash all of the dirt of what I'd been through off. I didn't want to face anyone. Scared to death. Terry had to go to work the next day, and I had to go to outpatient rehab for 2 weeks...fun, fun! They kept telling me that I had to deal with my drug addiction, when I kept telling them I wasn't a druggie. I had a moment of wanting to end my life, and I took all those pills. In reality, I had become addicted to the pain meds and anti-anxiety pills that kept me sedated from my real life. What I remember most about that time was talking to Lucinda each morning as I drove to rehab. Talking about everything and once again, apologizing for hurting her.
All that time, i'd been praying for God to take it all away, and now I was left with no house, no things, no children, NOTHING...he'd taken it all away. We spent the next 4 months in that hotel room rediscovering who we were. The hardest part about that time was that I coudln't see my kids or talk to them whenever I wanted. They were in my parents hands, and I was scared that they were going to ruin them like they had me.
Terry only went with me one time to see the kids. It was too hard on him. I went every other weekend, because I wasn't allowed to be around T3 because of his mother and Terry not wanting to make waves with her. I also just missed and longed for my kids. I wanted them home so bad, and I would just sit and cry for them....again questioning if my life was hurting them more than I was being a mother to help them. Alexa asked me one time....mommy, you don't look sick anymore, so why can't you take me home? What do you say to that...I'm just sick in the head. I'd never planned that day, but it happened. I had hurt everyone that touched my life.
While I was in the hospital, they gave me a paper that said, "Just when the caterpillar that her life was over, she woke up to be a beautiful butterfly." I love that saying, because I really did think my life was over, but when I woke up...I shed all those layers of STUFF and emotional crap off and I was a perfectly new person.
Halloween of that year, we began looking for a place to stay. Nothing to put in a house, but I wanted a house so that I could bring my babies home! God sent us a house with a wonderful landlord. It was a few days before thanksgiving, and My dad had told me that he thought I needed to wait until Christmas to bring the kids home. I didn't want to wait until Christmas. Oh it broke my heart. Terry called me that day and said, "well I just got off the phone with your dad. We are going to Dallas for Thanksgiving, and we're bringing hte kids home that night. I was so in shock! I had waiting all this time to get my kids, and now it was really coming true. We drove down Thanksgiving day, and we had dinner. Terry said, well kids, let's load. up. He wasn't kidding! We were bringing them home at that very moment. EVERYONE was so excited and happy. We all just smiled and held hands and cried a little, too.
THings have changed in so many ways in our house. I appreciate every day that I have with my kids, and no matter what, they need me. Kind of like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants move #2. Her mother was a mess, but 5 years later she realizes that she was just selfish to leave. I wasn't hurting them as much as I would have if I would've left July 31 and never come home. We are far from perfect, but our finances are back to bearable, our kids are home, happy, and stable Our marriage has been restored and renewed. life is a little brighter. I'm well, and I appreciate all that goes with my life...good times and bed. In sickness and health. Til death do us part...part 2.
Fly butterfly, fly. Spread your wings and soar....who knows if this will be continued or not? Until I feel like I have all the pieces that fit together to make this puzzle of my life, I will never stop filling in the gaps. It makes everything a little more understandable and easier to deal with and put away that chapter on the shelf. God isn't finished with me yet.