I remember in June of that year that my dog got hit by a car. I was sitting playing outside with my kids, and this other dog started running towards us. Harley, our faithful family dog, has always watched the kids when they were outside. I think we probably should have called her "nana" after the dog in Peter Pan(giving the children their medicine and all). She's always followed the kids on their bikes, walked right next to them, and protected them from whatever...she's a herding dog, and that's just what they do. So when this dog was running towards us, Harley went out to tell it, "NO, stay away from my kids!" As she jumped off the curb this STUPID woman that was in a hurry to get home to watch Oprah(yes, she confirmed this!) was in such a hurry that she ran through the stop sign in front of my house, and she hit my dog going about 45 miles per hour. The only thing that saved our sweet dog was that she was VERY pregnant with 12 puppies. Harley went into labor later that day with her 12 puppies that didn't make it. It took her a week to deliver those babies, and by the end of the week, the house smelled of death. Yes, gross, but there is no other words I can use to describe it. I didn't sleep at all during this week. I had been on a ton of medication since my surgery. I counted once about 61 prescribed pills a day of muscle relaxers, pain meds, antidepressants, narcolepsy meds, calcium, thyroid meds, anti-anxiety meds ...everything I "needed". So for me not to sleep...well, I have no idea. I was a mess. Added to this all, we were struggling in our marriage and in our bank account. The last day that she delivered her last puppies, I had gone to the endocrinologist, and he'd told me that there was nothing they could do for the seizure like symptoms I was having or the tremors that shook my body. He never looked at me, but he kept his eyes on his paperwork and told me, "I can't help you." I sat in my car and screamed to God, "what do I have to do? How do I fix this? WHy are you doing this to ME?" Yeah, sad, I'm asking God why He was inflicting pain on ME....hello, he died on the cross to save my life! With no sleep and shaking like a crazy woman, I had to drive to pay our water bill, because it had been shut off for a week, because we didn't have the money to pay for it. We'd finally been given some money by friends to pay the bill. I sang the whole way, "yes, Jesus loves me" trying to force my mind that it was real. When I got home, Terry had to go to the doctor, because he was having blood pressure problems. I was so mad a him for not taking care of himself...this really makes me laugh now..I don't know why! He left, and I was in cooking dinner. I walked into the living room, and Harley was sitting in the couch licking herself. I noticed that Alexa's blanket was under her, so I told Harley to get off the couch as I was pulling up Alexa's blanket. THe reason she was licking was there were two babies that she'd just birthed, and she was trying to "lick them alive". She wanted them to wake up, and she just looked at me with this sad expression. Those babies had been in her for a week just rotting. I cracked then and there. That is really the last CLEAR memory that I have of that summer. I called Terry at the doctor's office and told the nurse, "I NEED TO TALK TO MY HUSBAND RIGHT NOW!" She must have thought that it was a 911 emergency, because I was so distraught! Told him to GET HOME! (Man, I must have been drugged really good for that one!) I was more worried about the dog than him getting well. When he got home, I laid down on the kitchen floor and just started crying. I'd had it! We were falling apart, and I'd reached my breaking point. Terry took the kids upstairs, and I got into the bathtub. I remember laying there thinking of a movie that I saw when I was a kid where this girl had slit her wrists and sat in the hot bathtub to make it go faster. I was in that bathtub thinking...I wish I had the guts, because I'm done with this! I didn't care at that moment...I was ready to runaway from it all. I probably sat in the bathtub for an hour crying. I just didn't know what to do with my life.
During July, we have birthdays for me, Wylie, Maggie, LT, and Aug 4 is Terry's bday. July is a huge month for us, because it's such a happy time
Also during this time, my dad had told me that he was going to call CPS on me for the condition of my house. I spend a week or so during this time cleaning up my house in a frenzy. I don't think I got it finished before everything happened.
Sometime around the middle of the month, Alexa came in and said that Bubba had touched her "bottom". All the kids had slept in one bedroom, because they wanted to. They each had separate bedrooms, but they always wanted to sleep in one bed. I really hadn't thought about it. I loved that they loved each other. I asked her, "where on your bottom?" She really didn't answer me, so I asked her to get a baby doll and show me. She pointed to her "girl parts". I kinda freaked. Bubba lives with us part time and with his mom part time, and we really don't know what goes on at his mom's house. She's driven drunk with him in the car. He has a step brother that comes and goes in the house. They've been mean to him so many times. So thoughts just went flooding through my mind. Were they just playing? Did he do it knowingly? What happened??? I called Terry and we decided to call the psychologist. We met with her the next day, and she said that we could call CPS(Child protective services) or she could, but it was going to look a lot better if we did it. So that afternoon, I called CPS on my family. I told them I didn't know...I just didn't know. Terry's ex wife was pissed. I mean PISSED! He knew that we had to do it. I wanted to know if she knew what was going on in her own house, but he didn't want to cause waves with her.
During this time(somewhere), I had been in and out of the hospital with ear infections and trying to figure out what was causing all of the pain I was in. At one point, Lucinda had come to visit me in the hospital, and I was begging Terry for my anti-anxiety medicine, and he was giving it to me, because he didn't know what else to do. I would freak if I thought I was going to run out of it, because I honestly felt horrible when I didn't have it. My life was falling apart, and I didn't know how to keep it together. So I was beginning to have an addiction to all of this medicine I was on, which is so hard for me to say.
(From Lucinda: I remember when you came from the hospital and when I talked with you...you wouldn't cry except when talking about your kiddos...The things that would normally make us(you and I) cry...you didn't cry at...I felt like I wasn't talking with my Angie. You told me that you were scared to cry because you didn't want people to worry. When we were on the phone and you would cry you would tell me not to worry about you and quickly quit crying. I'm not sure how long it took but sometime you were back to "my" angie...cry with me, etc.)
A funny moment I remember though was sitting out in the garage, and Wylie couldn't sleep one night, so he was jumping off of this shelf thing we had in our garage onto a bunch of pillows...I don't know, I remember it, and it cracks me up!
Soon after I got out of the hospital, my parents were called after I had asked Lucinda to call my mom to come down and help. She was in North Carolina visiting my sister at the time. (from Lucinda: I called her and told her that I was extremely worried about you. I was afraid we were going to get a phone call to say that you were dead. I asked her if she could come back to town when she got back from Kristen's and stay with you during the week so you could get rest. She agreed. I guess at some point your dad and mom decided to come and get the kids for the week. I am sure it was only going to be a week. I wonder if you thought that you lost your kids and that also sent you over the edge. I am sorry if that phone call to your parents to come and help caused you to try to take your life. I NEVER intended for them to come and take them. I always wonder if the kids had stayed would you have done it.) As soon as my mom got home, my dad and mom packed up the car, and they came to get the kids to take them to Dallas for "the week" to help me rest. Terry was worn out from taking care of me. While the kids were gone, I wanted to go do stuff. Do something. I'd been locked in my house(what I felt like), and I didn't want to just sleep. I wanted to get back on track with my husband. I remember so many nights sitting there praying, "God how do I fix this...show me! What do I do? Take it all away!" All Terry wanted to do that week was sleep...I later found out that the reason that they were called was that I had a meltdown in front of my 6 year old daughter. I was begging her to not let daddy take me away. I was begging her and screaming to protect me. (one of those moments that I hope she forgets!) We also bought a car that week...I didn't remember doing that until he told me later..lol
The night before the big day, he tried to take me to a mental health facility. I don't remember wanting to go...I don't even remember going, but I had packed my bags for a weeks stay. My insurance would pay for it, and they had room, but they didn't feel like I was bad enough to be admitted. Fortunately, I didn't go to that facility, because a week later, a patient was beaten to death by a staff member.
Also sometime in that week, I called Terry's ex wife, because I was concerned about T3. I was concerned that something had happened to him, because we were still not sure if he'd molested Alexa. She got really upset, and we ended up screaming at each other. Terry told me that he didn't know if he could forgive me for calling her. (T3 was cleared of everything, and it was deemed Child's play")
THE BIG DAY:
I woke up that morning, and Terry was at work, so I went into the garage to smoke. He came home around lunch time, and he'd brought me a sonic cookie dough blast and some peach tea. I begged him not to go back to work, because I had this delusion that he wasn't coming back. When he left, I honestly thought in my head that he wasn't ever coming back. He was leaving me, and I didn't know what to do. I sat down and emptied all of my pills that were downers. I'd just had them filled and I had over 100 pain pills(more like 150), over 100 muscle relaxers, over 100 lorazepam, and some sleeping pills. I dumped them in a huge pile. Then I got my "mother's story book" and made sure I had it next to me with a letter written to Terry and one that said that I didn't want my kids to go to my parents. I wanted lucinda to take them. I didn't think in my mind that Terry would be able to take care of them. The letter that I'd written to Terry was a very anger filled letter, and I know I've read it, but I don't remember what it said. I just blamed him for leaving me.
I called Lucinda and kept telling her that I was sorry. She didn't understand, but she says that she knew something was not right. I told her I'd just taken my medicine, so she knew that I was getting sleepy. I'd been drinking a little bit of my ice cream while we were talking. I put my other pills back in the box and put them in the closet that I kept my medicine in normally. I sat back down in the garage, and I took handful after handful of all of that medication. I thought to myself...no turning back now. I laid down on my garage floor and told God that I was ready to come home. I was done. I just couldn't hurt my family and friends anymore with the horrible behavior that I'd had. I'd hurt too many people, and I just knew that I was paying the price by losing everything that we had. Sometime after I laid down, I wrapped myself up in a thermal blanket. It was July 31 and 100 degree heat in that garage. I know that I wasn't with it, because I didn't have shorts on...funny to remember now?! lol Seriously, if you think you are going to die...wouldn't you put shorts on or cover up?
Later would I find out that Terry walked in the house around 7pm(7-8 hours after I'd taken the pills). He walked in and saw me laying in the garage. Went to go to the bathroom, and then he came back to check on me. He said that I was foaming at the mouth, and I was so swollen....more than I was with Wylie. he said that I almost looked distorted. He called 911, and then he started cleaning the garage. When they got there, they didn't know what I'd taken. He got the pill box out, and I was given several shots to counter act what I'd taken. I was taken to the hospital and I had my stomach pumped, but I didn't regain consciousness.
I had lots of weird dreams. I had a dream about this nurse(that actually took care of me). I dreamed that she had taken me down to 1960 and left me at a bail bonds place. she told me not to move so that the people wouldn't bother me, but I was worried about my wedding ring. The nurse(in reality) had told me not to move, because I was pulling all of my wires out. I had a dream about one of my other nurses had taken me home and she'd tied me to her couch, and she said that she wouldn't hurt me, but she was going to have sex with me and so were her sons. In reality, she'd tied me down, because I kicked her in the face. They had to keep me sedated, because I was coming off of all those medicines that I'd been on for 8 months. They were all coming out of my system. I'm so glad that I wasn't put into that first rehab place, because I'd have had to go through withdrawal on my own.
I remember really waking up and I think everyone was in the room with me. Mom, Dad, Terry....I don't know who else. I remember talking to them, but I thought my mom was Chad. I thought that Shirly was there with Johnna and Kelsey and some other little girl. It was Terry's birthday. He walked in and said he knew I was going to be ok, because I was putting my make up on. I don't really remember having makeup on, but ok? It was my husband's birthday that I woke up.
I remember my psychiatrist coming into my room, and he looked just like the guy form Princess Bride... inconceivable!! I told him about the spiders that were crawling out of my cup(NOT!).
On Sunday, I turned on the TV. I was alone. I couldn't see anything, because my contacts had dried out in my eyes, and I didn't have glasses. I remember listening to this guy preach a sermon, and I realized then that the things I could see clearly(the bugs coming out of my cup) were not real, because i didn't have any way to see them(glasses/contacts). The things that were blurry were real. I remember being so excited to have that revelation.
Terry went to the eye doctor that I'd last seen, and they woudn't gve him the prescription for my eye glasses, but he found htis other lady that used to work there, and she was able to call and get it. It was a God thing that they had a very similar pair of glasses for $40. I could see again. I could then read my Bible. I was stuck in an ICU room, and there were only visiting hours once in the morning and once at night. So I was all alone. When I realized that I was awake and aware...no vegetative state from taking all those pills, I was so excited to go to rehab and get "fixed".
During this time, I knew that people were in my house selling stuff. Trying to make money so that Terry was ok on money and also because he wasn't sure if I was going to come out of the hospital or not. I had made detailed lists about what I wanted to keep and what I didn't care if it went. He sold most everything in our house, and we had about a 10x10 space with what was left over. So much stuff gone forever, but we can't take it with us to heaven, right? This was the beginning of our new start. When I'd prayed for God to take it all away...this was one of the things that was taken away...the mess of my life.
I had everyone in amazement, because as soon as I woke up, I wanted to walk. Walk the halls of the ICU. This was the critical care unit that people were on that were in horrible shape. I was the first bed visitors saw when entered the ICU. I could hear everyone ask about me, because here I was up and wanting to walk laps! lol
They finally got a bed for me down in a regular room, but I had to have a babysitter with me at all times. They didn't know if I'd try to take my life again or not, so I couldn't even take a shower with the door shut. COudln't shave my legs(Gross!). I didn't have any clothes to put on ....sad. One thing I did miss was my clothes.
The guy from Kingood Mental hospital came to evaluate me one night, because they had to evaluate if I could be transported or not. He said that they didn't have a bed for me yet. He said that I could go home and show up the next morning, and all of hte sudden everyone in that room started freaking out. I told htem I was ready to go...I would do whatever I had to do to go to Kingwood. Terry wasn't there yet, and his mom and aunt were FREAKING out. I just wanted them to be quiet, and I wanted Terry there. He was on the way up there, and he was calling my psychiatrist, Dr. Noel to come in and help. When he got there, I was immediately calmed down. I wanted his mom and aunt to leave, because that was the closest thing to a panic attack I'd had since I woke up. The doctor told them that I'd wait in the hospital until I found a room. I just wanted a freakin cigarette at that point. I had a friend that Terry'd called when this all started to find out if I could get into Kingwood because that is where she worked, and it was supposed to be "the best". I got on the phone with her, and she said that I'd be able to smoke anytime I wanted to while I was there....lie! I told her I was fine, and she said, do you know what fine stants for...Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. lol...Never again will I say that I'm FINE.
THe next day I waited all day long to get a ride in the ambulance to Kingwood. I was ready to go, but then again, I was scared to death. I remember talking that day to Lucinda's mom and telling her how much I appreciated her being a mom to me for so many years. Thanking her for watching out for me.
When I got to Kingwood I was ok until I was checked into the first checkpoint and locked in. I sat in a room for 3 hours waiting to be checked in. It felt like forever, but I watched Dog the BOunty Hunter, and I cried. I hadn't eaten all day, and I was starving. The lady came in and I signed my life away. I had to be strip searched and checked out before I could go in....talk about scary. Then they dropped me off in this room with 2o or so people in it ages from 16-60. They all just stared at me. I was then, scared shitless! They told me that I could just have snacks until the next morning. It was almost family time, and all these people had families come in to visit them but me. It sank in then that I was alone and stuck.
To be continued...
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