Our House

We are moved into our new house. It is pretty much perfection. New schools are great. Neighborhood is wonderful. The kids stayed outside until long after dark to play outside tonight. Does it get much better than this? It is now 830 on Friday night, and neighbors are still over, but they are having a great time. I'm seriously blessed by the father...in all things.

Warm towels out of the dryer....a little hug from the Father

As soon as I took the clothes out of the dryer tonight, I wrapped on of the large warm towels around me, and thought...hmmm, I wonder if this is what it feels like to have God's arms around me? Fresh laundry smells so good, and then it's all warm and cozy right out of the dryer. Well, I know that God's arms are much warmer and inviting than that towel..that towel will cool down and eventually stink! But what a sweet moment it was after a long day of Satan trying to whoop my rear!
So that long day...well, we have decided in less than a week to move a family of 6! Crazy much?!?! About 2 months ago, I was driving in my car and praying. I sometimes get my best time with God when I'm driving. It's quiet. I can't get distracted by laundry, dishes, or stuff like that, and I'm usually asking for lots of forgiveness for thinking bad thoughts about the other people out there getting in my way (lol...you know that's sometimes a truth for all of us!!). Anyway, this day in particular, I had the craziest thought. Dear God, I want a house! I want a bigger house. I want a house that has neighbors that need to find you. I want a house to help minister to others. I've invited all my neighbors to church. I know it's going to take a miracle to get us into a house, and if it's going to happen, it's going to HAVE to come from you(God)! As I was finishing with this thought, my phone beeped. My verse for the day, "Philippians 4:6
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Ha! Now that's a weird way to send a message to me God! BUT, I called Terry and told him, and I remember thinking, "I'm standing on this promise."

Flash forward to this past weekend. As we unloaded the moving truck into my neighbor's new home, reality set in...my favorite neighbor and close close friend was not going to be a few steps away from my door. As much as I knew in my heart that we will be lifetime friends, and she was only 10 minutes away, I also knew that I was going to go back home. I also saw my dream of wanting a house was sitting right in front of me. I wanted a house with my name on it. I wanted it so bad for my family. I wanted that secure feeling of knowing my kids could play outside without gun shots or marijuana in the air. My oldest daughter had been punched in the nose by a boy in lunch earlier in the week for NO reason, and it was the scariest feeling. This is not the way to live. I had planned on staying all day over Beth's house and helping her unpack, but my emotions were getting the best of me, and I told Terry that I needed to go home with him. I was feeling so selfish. I told him that I wanted to drive around the neighborhood really quick just to see what was there. We drove to the back of the neighborhood, and I saw it...an empty beautiful house! I said, "that house right there...it's empty!" Terry was looking at me like I was crazy, but sure enough it was empty! The neighbor was outside, and Terry stopped to ask about the house. She had the business card of the owner of the house...a pastor. He called on the way home, and as he called, I just started praying (forgetting at this point that I had request a house from God). I prayed that if this was it that doors would fly open and if it wasn't right that the door would slam shut (and quick!). Well, doors started flying open and fast!
After a day of phone calls to start up all the utilities and such, withdrawing my daughter from school, and packing..well, I'm a little overwhelmed. We came home, and Terry has a medical issue that has popped up, and Satan is just eating at me...Are we going to be able to move? How am I going to move all of this house? Is the little increase in rent going to kill us? What if we have a bad month? What if something happens to Terry? Seriously Satan, I hate you!
I'm sitting here thinking of the conversation with most of the same thoughts from last night that I had with Beth, and she said to me...listen to yourself! God's given you this house, and you are questioning if He's going to provide a way to move you? (seriously thinking to myself how STUPID I can be sometimes lol)

Matthew 6:25-34
English Standard Version (ESV)
Do Not Be Anxious

25 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[a] 28And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

I'm holding onto this verse. I'm trusting that if it's not the right time or place that God slams the door shut. I'm ready for whatever He gives me (...I think). Lord, keep handing me those warm towels and hugs from you.

Hmmm...Why so jealous?

I have recently had a few people that have said things about how people put stuff all over facebook about their romantic husbands or how wonderful their kids are...I do that?!

I'm not trying to rub it in anyone's face or say that I'm so much better than you. I don't put negative things on facebook...I reserve them for my blog (LOL JUST KIDDING!). Going with my last post on appreciation, I am truly proud and thankful of my family. I'm proud of the places we've come to and the places we will eventually go. So why you so jealous?
I fight with my husband. I
have to discipline my kids. I struggle with my image. I don't use my money right sometimes. I'm as imperfect as the next person, and maybe even more. I recognize these things, but I'm not going to be posting all over facebook about how something my husband has done rubs me wrong, or that my kids are disrespectful just as much as the next. I know my heart. I know God knows my every thought. Isn't that a scary thought? Oh gosh...it would be a scary thing to be in my head sometimes. lol So quit being so jealous, and look around to see the things that are wonderful in your life. Hey, you got up this morning didn't you?

I pray that they have appreciation

ap·pre·ci·ate   [uh-pree-shee-eyt] Show IPA verb, -at·ed, -at·ing.
1.
to be grateful or thankful for: They appreciated his thoughtfulness.

verb (used with object)
2.
to value or regard highly; place a high estimate on: to appreciate good wine.
3.
to be fully conscious of; be aware of; detect: to appreciate the dangers of a situation.
4.
to raise in value.

Synonyms 2. Appreciate, esteem, prize, value imply holding something in high regard. To appreciate is to exercise wise judgment, delicate perception, and keen insight in realizing the worth of something. To esteem is to feel respect combined with a warm, kindly feeling. To value is to attach importance to a thing because of its worth (material or otherwise). To prize is to value highly and cherish.


It is my prayer that my children have appreciation for the things they have. There is always someone less fortunate out there. I pray that they are happy with the things that they have. I pray that they appreciate the things God is doing for them. I pray that they appreciate others.
I hope that they appreciate all that we have done for them. I love the synonyms for appreciation.
We are so blessed to have the things we have. We are beyond blessed to live the life that we do. We are blessed to have the family (including church family) we have. We are blessed to know a God that is greater than us. We are blessed to have food on our table, a roof over our heads, and clothes on our back.

We had so much money when we got married. We didn't appreciate it. Now, my children think $1 fries at McDonalds are the best treat in the world. We didn't appreciate our family then. We have come to know that we are so fortunate to have moms and dads...children..grandparents. I don't know...just thinking about this today and praying.

I guess it wasn't supposed to be...

This past week has been quite a week. I think I have cried more tears this week than i have in the past 4 years. Menopause maybe? Geesh, I don't know! Mad, sad, happy...there have just been lots of tears. I used to love to cry. I got my feelings out, and I was done. Maybe that's the way it still is, but I'm not sure. Thankful I can just blog it out sometimes!
Last night I sobbed. It was the "ugly cry" as Oprah calls it. We have been been paying payments on a friend's car. She wasn't using it, and she asked if we just wanted to take over payments since our last car died. We were like...sure! It worked for us. Our credit kind of stinks, and it seemed to be a perfect fit. There were weird things that have happened since we got the car though. A call here saying "well, I think you need to pay this as well" or "Can you send more money here?" Hello, we are already paying for the car! So about a month ago, Terry was hit from behind. Not a lot of damage from the outside. There was only a scrape. But we were told that there is a cushion on the inside of new cars that is very important. So, Terry calls the friend and tells them what has happened. For the next 3 weeks, Terry took 4-5 calls daily from them. Harassing him about this or that. We found out that we had to drive the car to Livingston, because they had to take it to a specific dealership. Terry had asked if we could take it Monday instead of Sunday, and we were told no. Terry said that he just didn't have a good feeling about this. I was like...oh it will be fine.
Now, let me add for a second that we have bent over backwards for this family. They have been going through a lot of custody issues and marriage problems. Their son was in an accident (heart attack and stroke at the age of 12) that has left him in a wheelchair and needing 24 hours of care. I have gone to court with her when I didn't have the money to drive down there or pay parking in downtown. I spent several nights at the hospital downtown with her, because I wanted to do so. I don't believe gifts should come with expectations, but consideration would be nice. I feel like I have everything that I could have done to support her. We have been friends for a very long time, and I feel like that's what friends do. They support each other no matter what the circumstances or when they arise.
SO, we drop the car off and for the next week, Terry tried to get a hold of them with no response. Oh wait, he did get one response from her husband, "Leave her alone...she has more important things to deal with". Ok really? And when do you want the check for this month's payment? I told Terry the right thing to do would be to send the check. If we were paying for the car, we would still have to send in a payment even if it was in the shop, right? So, Sunday I drove to put the check in the bank, and the bank was closed. Terry said he would do it first thing Monday morning. Monday morning came, and Terry locked the keys out of the car as he was trying to fix a flat tire on the van. I remembered that afternoon that he was supposed to put in the check, so I called him to ask him if he had done it. he said, "angie, I just don't feel right about this. I've prayed over it, and something is just not sitting with me right." I asked him if he wanted me to call her. He had told me up until this point that he wanted to take care of it so that a friendship was not ruined over a car. He finally gave in and said that I could call her about it. I called her, and I could tell that she was very uncomfortable talking to me about it. She said that her husband just wanted to keep this in between the men for the same reason that my husband had said. I was like..Listen, we just need to know if we need to get another car or not. I can tell that you are very uncomfortable talking to me about this, and I just want to know what is going on. She started to tell me that there were other things wrong with the car.
(I knew about some small dent that was in the door. It had been there since before we got the car. I knew about something under the car...Terry had explained that he had a blowout a few months ago and replaced the tire. He didn't think that he had hit anything, because he didn't feel it when he had the blow out. He has taken super good care of this car, because he was proud of it. He drives lots of miles a day, and he needs it for work. When we took possession of the car, he had the transmission serviced, because the shop told him that the oil was nasty. He had also had the windshield replaced, because it was cracked. He had the oil changed frequently, because he drives so many miles.)
So what else could be wrong? Well, she explained the dent and underneath the car. She said that the oil was 10,000 miles overdue(I knew that it wasn't). She explained that she would have had 2 tires replaced if the tire blew out. The tires all needed to be replaced now, and the inspection was due at the end of the month. Oh and then there's the liability of us driving the car. (we've had the car since last spring...why is this an issue now?) Oh and there's the insurance. They want us to start paying for their additional insurance as well as ours. And then they have decided it's not best for us just to take over payments, but they want us to take out an additional loan to just buy the car outright. And then there is the payment issue. Even though we've never been late on a payment, the payment is due at the end of the month, and we need to pay an additional month's payment so that her payment is not late (which meant to me that there had been several late payments before we got the car). This car was given to us as a gift to drive until we could get another car. We didn't ask for it...it was given to us! We decided afterwards that since they weren't driving the car that we could just take over payments to buy it instead...which was THEIR idea.
Terry walked in from work at the end of this conversation, so I went in and listed off all of the stuff that she'd told me. Terry just sat their shaking his head. It was very obvious at this point that his gut feeling was correct. Something was not right. No one would call him back, because they didn't want to tell us that they weren't giving us the car back. They were making excuses after excuses and asking for us to jump through hoops that there was no way that we could jump through. So we sat down and wrote out a very nice email saying that we thought at this time that they just needed to keep the car, and sell it to someone that could buy it outright. Here's the email:

Mrs. and Mr.,

After Angie talked to Lori tonight, we are understanding from what Lori said that you are concerned about:
1. Terry not taking care of the car....oil change, dent on door, and tires
2. Liability issues

The week that Terry took the car, we had a crack repaired that was in the windshield. When we had the oil changed, they said that the transmission fluid was filthy, so we had the transmission serviced as well. If you would like copies of all of the paperwork, we have receipts of all of the work we have had done on the car and can get the copies to you. It was said that it was 10,000 miles past due, but this is not correct. The oil was changed with synthetic oil less than 3 months ago. The mark on the door was there when we received the car, but we weren't concerned, because we knew we were purchasing a used car.

We feel like we have done the best we can to take care of the car that we thought we were buying. We have done everything in good faith. We feel like it's just best for us to go ahead and seek other means of transportation at this time so that you can sell the car outright to someone. We should have put everything in writing from the beginning so that everything would have been more clear.

Angie and Terry Barnes, Jr.

I got back a reply that completely blew me away...I hadn't been a friend to this person, and obviously I was a horrible person, and kiss my butt, and you suck, and God is going to punish you for everything...yeah that was the gist of his letter. I sat and cried for hours. How could someone say these things? I am one of the only people she has left in her life. Her family and friends have all abandoned her because of her husband, and I have stood by her side through everything?! Well, I guess I can see why now. My feelings are so hurt. Why is this happening? Am I a bad friend?

well, thankfully we have a borrowed car from Terry's dad that we can borrow as long as we need. It's a gas sucker, but it's 4 wheels that get me to and from where I need to be. I have to roll down the window to open the door, but I don't mind. I appreciate what I have and that is what I think is important. Time to start praying for another car. Terry is driving my van that we were gifted by God.

I don't know what to do. I don't know that this friendship can be salvaged. I'm so hurt by the response that we got. How can someone be so blind to what they are saying? I'm just blown away. My feelings are hurt. I'm disappointed.

Thank you for the perfect timing

Well, funny how God sometimes has IMMEDIATE timing. I guess he made this one priority! (Thank you God for these great blessings...no matter what circumstances you brought to answer them!) I was so frustrated last Friday. I saw so much progress being thrown out the window! I was so deflated. Just wanting to fix that relationship between me and my son. I blogged about it,because it was the ONLY way I knew to get my real true feelings out. Today, my son says to me, "maybe I need to talk to you more often." Oh yes, I grabbed my tissue and cried my eyes out. He's hurting, and he needed his "not so wicked" step mom to hug his heart. (oh more tears...where's my tissue?). He is wanting to fix things. He is needing me to help. He is reaching out to ME?! I hurt for him going through what he's going through, but it is all part of God's perfect plan to get him to be where he needs to be. Thanks again my daddy God for hearing my cry, and making me feel like it was a priority to fix. I know not all things come so quickly...this has been a 10 year prayer...but I cried out and you answered it as soon as you could. I know there may be days where we backslide, but today, I'm blogging about the miracles I see, because I want to read back on those hard days and remember that we are making progress!

after thoughts on today

Respect means not much to not many people. I just want to go get into bed and come out on Sunday...maybe even a few Sundays down the road. (hang with me here...I've been ambiened. Haha..sometimes these are the best thoughts! Good thing most people don't read my blogs.

Rough day...neighbors and their kids...no respect for their kids or me. Grumpy husband. Tired self, because not sleeping when things are just "right", and thyroid is wacky, which makes my calcium quirky. wonder how different choices of decisions could have changed things. Kids are acting weird because they know somethings up. Tired to talk to LT...he wouldn't respond at all to me. Wouldn't even look at me. I'm hurt and feeling helpless, and I can't do anything about it! I question all that he's told me, because I just don't know anymore...

I've coming to a stopping or stalling point of just not knowing what to do. I'm giving up for tonight...don't know that tomorrow will be any better.

So helpless at Times

There are times that I feel so helpless...being a step parent will do that to you.

I have laid my heart out. I have tried to help. I have been honest in every way. I've given everything I can.
But, I'm not the mom.

I've been hurt by putting my feelings out there. I've tried to help, but I'm just in the way. I haven't gotten much honesty back. I'm lied to. I'm treated like crap. I've been stepped on and told to get out of the way. And that's just from being a step mom.

I've been called names. I've been told to leave. I've been told I'm nothing. I've been talked about. I've been lied about. I've been things that I can't even put into words...and that's from being an ex-wife.

Do I stop? NO. Why? Because I am a mom. I can't stop loving someone just because they don't love me. I can't stop helping, because I'm a mom. I am however at the edge of being everything I can be, because I'm beaten and broken down. I'm tired and am hurting. I've cried so many tears. I've prayed so many prayers. When God? When am I going to feel like I'm doing good? When am I going to stop hurting? What do I do?

How do you help someone who doesn't want help? How do you love someone that doesn't want to be loved? At what point do I stop being the carpet? When will I see the light?

I know, I know...in your timing. I know worse has happened to you. I know you've heard my prayers. I know you feel my pain. I know we are called to love the unlovable and help the hurting. We've been called to raise our children in the way they should go. But where do I stand in this? I know I"m not supposed to be a rug. 70 x 7 huh? I think we may be pushing the edge here Mr.! I have no more cheeks to turn. I'm getting pretty purple. So many thoughts....

Teenagers

Well it sure is easy to say what you are going to do when you have teenagers. It's easy to tell others what to do when they have teenagers, but let me tell you....teenagers are going to drive my hair either out or gray faster than you can blink. Going to add more to this a little later...have to go babysit my teenagers. LOL

Loss of a loved one

Loss of a loved one is never easy, but the loss of a loved one that you aren't sure was a christian is even harder. This week has been extremely difficult for me. My Aunt Susan passed away earlier this week. She had a brain tumor (stage 4) last year that was removed. She was told that the prognosis was not good, but if it came back, it would definitely take her. It came back a month or two ago. They told her that she would not be able to have surgery again, and that it would take her in time. I called her immediately. My aunt and uncle rarely answer their phone. My uncle doesn't even know how to use a cell phone! They rarely even check their voicemail. So when I called, I was expecting to get voicemail, but I wanted to call and tell her how much I loved her and how much I was thinking of her. She actually answered the phone...holy cow! I was able to speak to her for about 30 minutes, and we caught up on life. She was having a good day, and I know that she knew exactly what I was saying. I told her how much I truly loved her. That is what I hold on to now. Did I ask her if she believed in God? If she believed that Jesus died on the cross to save her sins? NO...I don't know why, but I didn't. As our pastor spoke in church this morning about how people were going to hell, I just sat there as tears ran down my cheeks. Why? Why did I tell her I loved her, but I never asked her if I was going to be spending eternity in heaven with her? I will never know. I will never know if she is in heaven or hell until I get there. What a hard guilty feeling that is. Aunt Susan, if you are in heaven, I can't wait to see you. You were my favorite aunt. I remember when I was in college, and you and Uncle Art got divorced. I wrote you a note and called you to tell you that I wanted you in the divorce. I was so happy when you remarried. You were a remarkable lady to deal with the crap that you dealt with. You loving and peaceful spirit always gave me warm fuzzies. I hope you know how special you were to me. I pray that you are in heaven with Grandaddy, Papaw, Grandmommy, and Deedee, and most importantly, that you are with our loving father. I thank God that you are no longer in pain. I've probably cried more over you than I have any of the people that have left this earth, because I just don't know. So now...I'm going to get over my guilt and start sharing even more. I met a little girl at the pool this week that is fighting leukemia. One of my first questions to her mom was, "Do you believe in God?" Your life has changed mine once again <3 you always, Angie

I didn't think we were to speak of the day...

It came to my attention lately that LT had never heard the story of the butterfly day. SO tonight we spoke of it. I gave every detail I remembered. He was very receptive to it. He told me that his mom had told him that I was dead...wow! At the end of the conversation, I told him "I love you". His response was "I love you....more" Oh my gosh, I was crying! we've been through so much. All wounds have healed...even more so now. What an amazing experience for us both.

Oh Summer...I don't know if I'm ready for you!

This year I have been completely spoiled. My first year of all of the kids in school. After 11 years of having babies at home, I finally had a few hours to myself every day. My year of wonderful is getting ready to be stopped with an abrupt halt...summer vacation. I'm excited, yet I'm thinking...when am I going to sleep? When am I going to have time to clean house? What am I going to do to keep these crazy kids busy and happy? I will survive. It's not like I haven't done it before. Most kids count the days until summer gets out...I think I will be counting the days until school starts. Don't get me wrong...I love my kids more than life itself. They are pure entertainment and love like no one I've ever known. They love each other and they love life. Sheer happiness wakes me up in the morning...giggles, screams of goofy, and jumping on beds. I just need to teach Maggie the workings of the remote...lol

Gripe for the day (I don't gripe often, so I'm allowed now and then):
Kids! If you don't want them, then don't have them! I heard a friend this week griping like I've never heard about her kids. I seriously wanted to ask her what she actually liked about her kids. All I hear from her is they did this, and they did that, and they are driving me insane. Really, I know each mother has their moment of insanity, but all the time? God gave you those gifts...enjoy them, because like my other friend, she just lost her baby. A baby that she desperately wanted. OKay...I'm done.

Insomnia

OH the world of insomnia. Tired during the day and wide awake at night. Oh how I wish I was a teenager again and carefree. I slept good then, but I guess I had more time to stop and smell the roses.
After a long and busy day of dealing with others and my kids, I sit awake. I think of what to do with "this" situation or "that" one? What's for dinner tomorrow? Did I pack Maggie's snack? Are there enough socks in Wylie's drawer? Did I lock the door? Are the bills paid? Wonder how my friend is? Something made me mad or sad. Something got me thinking that I could have handled something differently. Someone said something that got me thinking. I was encouraged by something. I remembered something special from the kid's earlier days. Praying all is well.

So many thoughts!!! Where did they come from? When will they stop? I finally close my eyes and put my head down and either sit thinking or lay down and crash. Waking up in the morning is not fun. It's stolen my happy morning person, and it's left me with a foggy grumpy person. Drop the kids off and either go back to bed for a few hours or face the day. No time for those thoughts now. I have stuff to do and places to go. Phone rings and emails come in. Kids have so many questions. Fix dinner. Give baths. Read books. And then I'm back to the insomnia.
When did this pattern start? I'm still really not sure, but sometimes I think of it as "my time". My special time to reflect over life. Sometimes, it's my time to watch a movie or eat dinner(sometimes my first meal of the day). Sometimes it's just my time to plan.
I think having kids for so many years in a row made my sleep schedule completely got knocked off. Up in the middle of the night over and over, and then trying to sleep when they slept. Looking forward to nap time! People pulling and tugging on me physically and emotionally. It's like when you spin a spinner. It gets going, then spins really fast, and then it starts to slow and bobble until it stops. I guess that's what I am...a spinner. lol
It's going to be OK until summer. WHen summer comes, I have no time to stop and bobble around. That's why I like the pool so much. I can either sit quietly and soak up the sun, or I can jump in and be awakened by some freezing water.
I don't know if insomnia is my friend or foe. I love insomnia, because I do stop to think of all the little things. I have time to talk with my friends or just enjoy a moment of silence. I hate insomnia, because it leaves me tired and worn out. For right now, we have to be friends. We live together every day. So why not make a blog about it, and then go to bed. My thoughts are complete.