My friend recently wrote, “Feminism has become a culture of male bashing.” (Karen Seale) This put into words for me what I’ve been trying to say in my head about recent events. The past few years, the feminist movement has grown. In my own views, it has grown out of hand. I am all for equal rights. I am all for equal pay. I’m all for rapist and abusive spouses receiving punishments. So many quotes about, “well if you aren’t a woman, you wouldn’t understand”, and “if you’ve never been sexually assaulted or abused, you wouldn’t understand”. Some that were a little more shocking to me were things like, “men, sit down and shut up! Now you understand what we feel like.” A little background about me…I was a good child. I also pushed the limits at times. I drank at parties. In college, I lived with 2 friends that I knew were regular drug users, because it was a rent cut that I needed(roommates).  During that time, I was raped by their druggie friend. They heard everything, but they thought I was kidding. I did not go to the police, because I had gotten out of a very abusive relationship the week before and had my then ex-boyfriend arrested. I didn’t think the cops would believe me, so I moved out and buried my experience for a year until it came exploding out of me. A few years later, I married a man, because I was pregnant with his child. He was extremely abusive at times. When he knocked a hole in the wall that was next to my head, his mother replied, “Well, if it’s dry wall, we can fix it!” SO yes, I have been through those experiences, and I DO understand. I have 2 boys, 2 girls, and a precious husband. We have raised our daughters to be tough and strong and also lady-like. As they’ve gotten older, and our daughter was heading off to college, we talked about my greatest fear was her going to a party and getting drunk and ending up in situation that would leave her vulnerable.  We have raised our sons to open doors and be kind and protective of women and gentlemen-like. As they’ve gotten older, I’ve talked about consent and being respectful of girls.  I have off and on worked, but I always get back to the place of feeling like my kids and husband need me at home for different reasons, and I have put my family first in staying at home. My husband is my greatest supporter. Back to the original topic of feminism. I’m all for women working outside the house if you feel lead. I’m in agreement that people should be paid the same. NO means NO. There are so many other details of feminism that I’m not touching on, but I’m pointing out the ones that feel relative to me. I feel like that people have taken awareness to the next step. The hate and disregard for the opposite sex has gotten vile. I am afraid for my husband and sons. With all of the senate news last week, people were going beyond a line that is safe and respectful. Making accusations about men in general that were hateful and disgusting. Why do we believe a woman because “she said so”, but we don’t believe men when they say so? I will not make a stand on Judge Kavanaugh until all of the evidence has been presented. I was not there and neither were you! Is there something on tape or video that proves his being guilty? So why is he being crucified? I will tell you why and that is because feminism has become a culture of hate. It is getting to the point that if some woman is upset, they will cry rape. That is offensive to me and several survivors of rape that are friends of mine. It is sad that we are getting back to a point that women will not be heard, because it is being thrown around so flippantly.   Putting every man into a category of “sicko” and “pervert” and telling them to “sit down and take it” is horrific. You want men to feel degraded, because they are men? You want my husband and sons to feel what it is like to be uncomfortably pinned up against a wall just because they are men? NO person should be made to feel that way. NO person should be raped physically or emotionally. Why is it okay to make people feel like they are less because they are not like you? Whether it be black vs white or man vs woman. Start treating people with class and with love. The men that are respectful of women are getting categorized, and It is idiotic. God made me a woman. Guess what? I can do things that the men in my life can not do. I have held 3 babies in my body. That is strength. I have fed 3 babies with my body. That is a miracle. I do not have to walk around screaming about the blood that comes out of my body. Yall, I am 43 years old and I still am totally okay with not talking publicly about my period! I think it is a bit ridiculous with women walking around with vagina hats and blood smeared clothes in order to prove a point. Yes, our bodies are different. I have never even figured out the point that is trying to be made with these hats and protests? In addition, Women don’t want guys walking around poking their penis’s around on people, but they are totally okay with any magazine, facebook article, Instagram picture, etc. of women with their boobs for all to see and the dresses that barely cover the necessities? I can’t tell you how many times that my husband has held me back in the grocery store when some girls are walking around with EVERTYHING out there to see, and he knows that I want to tell them to stop. What kind of reaction are they wanting to get? A sexual one. They are wanting people to look at their “sex appeal”. They are wanting to be wanted. No, they are not wanting to be raped, but they are wanting to share everything to show what is available. My sons do not need to see all that. Please respect yourself a little more and put it away. We have gotten to a point where men are backed into a corner and cannot say anything without being called anti-feminist. We've gotten to a point where there is so much hate from women against men, that I feel like women want to be more powerful than men. Where is the equality in this? Why does it have to take so much hate in order to get your point across? Your point is getting lost in the hate.

Where feet may fail

The Vow

I rented "The Vow" to watch with Alexa and her friend. I had already seen the movie, but I really didn't like it the first time I saw it. It was sad, and I was just like...ehh. I rented it for them to see, because it was something that they both wanted to see, and it was "ok" on the teenage factor. Strangely enough, Terry sat down to watch it with us. The story is about a couple that is madly in love. They are quirky and fun. One tragic accident turns their lives upside down. Their car is hit and the wife gets thrown out of the car sustaining a brain injury. She wakes in the the hospital and has amnesia and doesn't recognize her husband. The last people she remembers is her mom, dad, sister and her former boyfriend. The husband tries to win her love again, never telling her the tragedy that broke communication with her family. She finds out that her dad had an affair with one of her friends, and her mom stayed with her dad to preserve the family. .... When it got to the part that the husband watches his wife wake up from a coma, Terry said something about "you can't imagine seeing your wife like that." Alexa's friend asked what happened, and we explained that I was very sick and Terry had seen me just like (tubes and all). As I sat watching the rest of the movie, my brain started seeing things that I hadn't seen before. I didn't like the movie at all before. BUT, when I watched it the second time, Terry's comment affected me. It's July. It's "that" month that everyone's birthday comes, and I have 2 birthdays. The day I was born into this world, and the day that I left my old body and became new. The suicide month. I usually go over memories, but last year (or the one before that??), I wrote down all the memories so that I wouldn't have to fit together the pieces again. When I woke up from my coma, I didn't realize all of the things that could have happened to me. I could have been that girl that woke up with complete brain injury. I could have woken up and forgotten everything that had previously happened in my life or woken up and been a vegetable. I thankfully woke up with all memory and still liking vegetables but not being one! What if I would have woken up different? Would Terry have tried to make me fall in love with him all over again? I'm sure that he would have. I wonder if we would still be together. What would have happened with the kids? In the story, she finds out that her dad had an affair and mom stayed with him to preserve the family. Bless my husband. He dealt with that too, but he was the one that stayed. He wanted to preserve his family. I don't know...all of the movie I sat there and cried, because I'm so thankful for my husband and my family. I'm so grateful for the trials that we endured and the place that we are now. We are not perfect, but we have each other and I love that man with all my heart. We learned to make a new life after that summer. We made new memories and we have that happy ending. I have a new view on "The Vow". I like that movie. It makes me appreciate my life.

Stupidly Insecure

Do you ever just have those days where you feel so insecure about everything? Why does it come in waves. Dear Satan, you are stupid and I hate you!

You don't know....

I recently had a teenager tell me, "you don't know. You don't understand. You are an adult." I was at first shocked, then mad, and then I just kind of laughed. Obviously this little girl didn't know me. She doesn't know how open and honest I am about my life. I may not understand her exact circumstances, but may she doesn't understand, that I've dealt with:

-drug abuse
-sexual abuse
-rape
-emotionally abusive relationships
-sexual addiction
-depression
-physically abusive relationships
-anger problems
-anxiety problems
-suicide attempt
-being in jail
-stealing
-needing to feel loved (by boys)
-adultery
-being in rehab
-having no one there
-going to a counselor
-addiction to smoking
-feeling responsible for things that weren't my fault
-hanging with the wrong crowd
-trying to get attention in ways that I ended up getting negative attention
-taking stupid risks
-being joyful
-healthy relationships
-love
-faith
-having kids
-getting married
-finding a straight(er) and narrow(er) path
-loving who I am
-having real friends
-and turning my pains into a life that I want to help others.

Yep, maybe I don't understand, but you know what...Maybe I do.

Our House

We are moved into our new house. It is pretty much perfection. New schools are great. Neighborhood is wonderful. The kids stayed outside until long after dark to play outside tonight. Does it get much better than this? It is now 830 on Friday night, and neighbors are still over, but they are having a great time. I'm seriously blessed by the father...in all things.

Warm towels out of the dryer....a little hug from the Father

As soon as I took the clothes out of the dryer tonight, I wrapped on of the large warm towels around me, and thought...hmmm, I wonder if this is what it feels like to have God's arms around me? Fresh laundry smells so good, and then it's all warm and cozy right out of the dryer. Well, I know that God's arms are much warmer and inviting than that towel..that towel will cool down and eventually stink! But what a sweet moment it was after a long day of Satan trying to whoop my rear!
So that long day...well, we have decided in less than a week to move a family of 6! Crazy much?!?! About 2 months ago, I was driving in my car and praying. I sometimes get my best time with God when I'm driving. It's quiet. I can't get distracted by laundry, dishes, or stuff like that, and I'm usually asking for lots of forgiveness for thinking bad thoughts about the other people out there getting in my way (lol...you know that's sometimes a truth for all of us!!). Anyway, this day in particular, I had the craziest thought. Dear God, I want a house! I want a bigger house. I want a house that has neighbors that need to find you. I want a house to help minister to others. I've invited all my neighbors to church. I know it's going to take a miracle to get us into a house, and if it's going to happen, it's going to HAVE to come from you(God)! As I was finishing with this thought, my phone beeped. My verse for the day, "Philippians 4:6
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Ha! Now that's a weird way to send a message to me God! BUT, I called Terry and told him, and I remember thinking, "I'm standing on this promise."

Flash forward to this past weekend. As we unloaded the moving truck into my neighbor's new home, reality set in...my favorite neighbor and close close friend was not going to be a few steps away from my door. As much as I knew in my heart that we will be lifetime friends, and she was only 10 minutes away, I also knew that I was going to go back home. I also saw my dream of wanting a house was sitting right in front of me. I wanted a house with my name on it. I wanted it so bad for my family. I wanted that secure feeling of knowing my kids could play outside without gun shots or marijuana in the air. My oldest daughter had been punched in the nose by a boy in lunch earlier in the week for NO reason, and it was the scariest feeling. This is not the way to live. I had planned on staying all day over Beth's house and helping her unpack, but my emotions were getting the best of me, and I told Terry that I needed to go home with him. I was feeling so selfish. I told him that I wanted to drive around the neighborhood really quick just to see what was there. We drove to the back of the neighborhood, and I saw it...an empty beautiful house! I said, "that house right there...it's empty!" Terry was looking at me like I was crazy, but sure enough it was empty! The neighbor was outside, and Terry stopped to ask about the house. She had the business card of the owner of the house...a pastor. He called on the way home, and as he called, I just started praying (forgetting at this point that I had request a house from God). I prayed that if this was it that doors would fly open and if it wasn't right that the door would slam shut (and quick!). Well, doors started flying open and fast!
After a day of phone calls to start up all the utilities and such, withdrawing my daughter from school, and packing..well, I'm a little overwhelmed. We came home, and Terry has a medical issue that has popped up, and Satan is just eating at me...Are we going to be able to move? How am I going to move all of this house? Is the little increase in rent going to kill us? What if we have a bad month? What if something happens to Terry? Seriously Satan, I hate you!
I'm sitting here thinking of the conversation with most of the same thoughts from last night that I had with Beth, and she said to me...listen to yourself! God's given you this house, and you are questioning if He's going to provide a way to move you? (seriously thinking to myself how STUPID I can be sometimes lol)

Matthew 6:25-34
English Standard Version (ESV)
Do Not Be Anxious

25 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[a] 28And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

I'm holding onto this verse. I'm trusting that if it's not the right time or place that God slams the door shut. I'm ready for whatever He gives me (...I think). Lord, keep handing me those warm towels and hugs from you.