Us
me and my handsome feller!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Being good enough
Sometimes I just feel like I'm not good at anything...not like OK good, but REALLY good. I'm just OK good with this and that. I know I'm just having a pity party day, but I want to find what I'm really good at...I know if Lucy is reading this right now, she's probably thinking, "Angie, you can fold sheets like no one else!" lol
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A simple surgery
yes, 2 blogs in one night. A lot racing through my head right now!
When I went in for my thyroid surgery, it was supposed to be a "simple surgery". In and out in a day. Who knew that there could be problems? Not me! I didn't research it. I didn't care. I wanted a simple fix. Take that sucker out, give me some synthroid, and send me home...right? Oh so wrong. I knew that Terry would be worried. Hospitals and surgeries make him very nervous. Stems from his mom being sick when he was 16. I promised him I would "behave" (LOL), and it would be OK! As I laid in bed before I was wheeled in, it hit me that the doctor would be slicing my neck open...yikes! We were joking and being silly...it's what we do. We prayed before I was wheeled off. I really don't remember much after that until my life changing moment. I woke up the next morning. I remember Terry standing by my side. Something was wrong, but I really couldn't figure out what it was. Why were people racing around me? The doctor was standing at the end of my bed reading my chart. Out of nowhere, my fingertips and toes started to tingle. Man were they tight! The feeling started to creep up my legs and arms. My heart started to feel numb. I started to tell Terry that I wasn't feeling good...it was moving up all around me. I was shaking, numb, pins and needles...I was loosing my breathe. I felt like there was a 1000 pound weight put on top of my chest. My thoughts...Terry...oh Terry I'm so sorry! I promised everything would be ok. He's probably freaking out, and I'm so sorry! My lips began to curve in..I couldn't say anything but I"M SORRY! I was violently shaking, and I couldn't breathe. Somebody help me...I'm sorry! Again, I couldn't remember anything until I woke up in another room. ICU. The pain and shakes returned again and again. NO amount of morphine could kill the monster that had taken over me.
My nurse had forgotten to take a blood level. A simple blood level that would have kept me from going into a major thyroid storm. My body had turned on me, because I had no parathyroid to accept calcium. NO calcium equals rock hard muscles.
A simple surgery.
NOw as I wait for the call to schedule my next simple surgery, I sit here and wonder...will it be a simple surgery? Have I done enough research? Have I weighed all of the options? Dear Lord, please let this be a simple surgery. I love my life too much to give up again. I love my children and my husband too much to think of them alone. Please heal my body.
When I went in for my thyroid surgery, it was supposed to be a "simple surgery". In and out in a day. Who knew that there could be problems? Not me! I didn't research it. I didn't care. I wanted a simple fix. Take that sucker out, give me some synthroid, and send me home...right? Oh so wrong. I knew that Terry would be worried. Hospitals and surgeries make him very nervous. Stems from his mom being sick when he was 16. I promised him I would "behave" (LOL), and it would be OK! As I laid in bed before I was wheeled in, it hit me that the doctor would be slicing my neck open...yikes! We were joking and being silly...it's what we do. We prayed before I was wheeled off. I really don't remember much after that until my life changing moment. I woke up the next morning. I remember Terry standing by my side. Something was wrong, but I really couldn't figure out what it was. Why were people racing around me? The doctor was standing at the end of my bed reading my chart. Out of nowhere, my fingertips and toes started to tingle. Man were they tight! The feeling started to creep up my legs and arms. My heart started to feel numb. I started to tell Terry that I wasn't feeling good...it was moving up all around me. I was shaking, numb, pins and needles...I was loosing my breathe. I felt like there was a 1000 pound weight put on top of my chest. My thoughts...Terry...oh Terry I'm so sorry! I promised everything would be ok. He's probably freaking out, and I'm so sorry! My lips began to curve in..I couldn't say anything but I"M SORRY! I was violently shaking, and I couldn't breathe. Somebody help me...I'm sorry! Again, I couldn't remember anything until I woke up in another room. ICU. The pain and shakes returned again and again. NO amount of morphine could kill the monster that had taken over me.
My nurse had forgotten to take a blood level. A simple blood level that would have kept me from going into a major thyroid storm. My body had turned on me, because I had no parathyroid to accept calcium. NO calcium equals rock hard muscles.
A simple surgery.
NOw as I wait for the call to schedule my next simple surgery, I sit here and wonder...will it be a simple surgery? Have I done enough research? Have I weighed all of the options? Dear Lord, please let this be a simple surgery. I love my life too much to give up again. I love my children and my husband too much to think of them alone. Please heal my body.
Big Lips
When I was little I told my mom that I hated my lips. They were big! Why I picked my lips...I'm not so sure! I knew that there was not really anything "special" about my looks, but why I picked my lips? My mom told me, "Angie, people PAY for lips like yours!" I now look at my lips and think...People do pay for lips like mine! LOL My mom probably doesn't remember saying that to me, but I will never forget that huge compliment she gave me.
I wonder what will stick out in my children's mind. What will I say or do that they will remember? Will they remember that I was uplifting or that I yelled at them at the wrong moment. Will they know how much I truly love them, or will they feel like they were never good enough. Will they know that I love each of them for the individual person they are, or will they feel like they were left out. What words will hurt them the most? What words will they hold dear? What will be their favorite moment of childhood? What will be their favorite meal? Makes you wonder, and it scares the crap out of me! I do know that every day I pray for my children, and I pray that I am the best mom I can be.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
The beauty of the Lord
Another old note that I wrote this past summer..
Last night I went out on a date night with my husband, Terry. I was so excited. I rushed to get all my kids settled in with friends house to spend the night. After dropping off our last child, Terry and I were walking to the car excited about having a night alone. I looked down and my shirt had "kid stains" on it. My hair had been thrown up in a pony tail, because I hadn't had time to get it fixed before we left. I had little to no makeup on my face. I'd 1/2 shaved my legs, because I was hurrying to get their stuff done, and I forgot the other half. The polish on my toes was coming off. Man, I was going on a date with my husband like this? We went by the house so that I could at least change shirts, and as we were walking out of the house, Terry looked at me and said, "um, you have a stain on that shirt as well!" I just didn't feel pretty! Having 4 kids can do a lot to you. As we were riding along, I was sitting thinking about all my imperfections; my tummy and other things that have gone south since having children, my tired eyes, my hair falling out because of health problems, stretch marks, on and on...man, how things have changed since I was in high school!
But you know what? I am still pretty. God made me just the way I am. He knows me and sees me as His most beautiful creation. Who am I to say, "well God, you made a few mistakes and why couldn't you have just fixed this or that?" I am wonderfully and beautifully made! He made me and knew exactly how He wanted me! Who could ask for more?
My grandfather put a Bible verse in the Bible he gave me when I was 13. It was probably the first verse I knew by heart and found real meaning in....Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord, SHE SHALL BE PRAISED! As a teenager, mother, growing woman, we need to repeat this verse to ourselves. Are you a woman who fears and loves the Lord...you are beautiful!
Last night I went out on a date night with my husband, Terry. I was so excited. I rushed to get all my kids settled in with friends house to spend the night. After dropping off our last child, Terry and I were walking to the car excited about having a night alone. I looked down and my shirt had "kid stains" on it. My hair had been thrown up in a pony tail, because I hadn't had time to get it fixed before we left. I had little to no makeup on my face. I'd 1/2 shaved my legs, because I was hurrying to get their stuff done, and I forgot the other half. The polish on my toes was coming off. Man, I was going on a date with my husband like this? We went by the house so that I could at least change shirts, and as we were walking out of the house, Terry looked at me and said, "um, you have a stain on that shirt as well!" I just didn't feel pretty! Having 4 kids can do a lot to you. As we were riding along, I was sitting thinking about all my imperfections; my tummy and other things that have gone south since having children, my tired eyes, my hair falling out because of health problems, stretch marks, on and on...man, how things have changed since I was in high school!
But you know what? I am still pretty. God made me just the way I am. He knows me and sees me as His most beautiful creation. Who am I to say, "well God, you made a few mistakes and why couldn't you have just fixed this or that?" I am wonderfully and beautifully made! He made me and knew exactly how He wanted me! Who could ask for more?
My grandfather put a Bible verse in the Bible he gave me when I was 13. It was probably the first verse I knew by heart and found real meaning in....Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord, SHE SHALL BE PRAISED! As a teenager, mother, growing woman, we need to repeat this verse to ourselves. Are you a woman who fears and loves the Lord...you are beautiful!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
A friend loveth at all times
Today I had a light bulb moment. It doesn't seem that it would be such a big thing...but it was to me.
I had a friend over for lunch today. We've been slowly getting to know one another, and I was so excited. As we've talked more and more, I realized that I really liked her personality, and I think we are going to be friends for a long time. While we were talking, I had the sudden urge to tell her something. It was like one of those...just so you know what you are getting into moments. Just so you know, I've been sick for a long time. I don't see it changing anytime soon, so run now if you need to? I told her(natalie!), I don't want people to feel sorry for me. It's like when I talk about being sick, it's kind of like other people talk about their kids getting on the bus. It's just part of my life. I need my friends to make me laugh and be silly about it. I don't need someone to feel bad. Of course, sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on. It's not like I sit and feel sorry for myself, and I don't want people to think that I'm needy.
I guess this stems from when I was sick a few years ago, I lost all of my friends but the ones that truly mattered. When you go through hard times, you realize very quickly who your friends are and who is just around for the fun. A friend loveth at all times....just not the times that you are lovable! I've learned that I don't want to "piddle" around with people trying to see if they are going to stick. I want real friends. Friends like Lucinda and Rachel that have been my rock and my laughter when I was sitting on sinking sand. These are things that I've known.
My light bulb moment came when I went to church afterwards. I was sitting around several people that I know but not really all the way. So many people ask me these days, "so how are you feeling?" Sometimes I hate answering, because you know, it just kinda stays the same. How am I really feeling?? Do you want to know if I'm hurting or if it's a pain free day? Do you want to know if I'm happy or sad? Do you just want to hear me say ok or fine? What do you really want to know? I don't want to sound pessimistic in all this, and I am so thankful for all of the prayers.
My answer tonight was "ok". Someone said...no really, HOW ARE YOU FEELING? I answered....well, on a 1 to 3 scale...I'm a 2. I'm happy, I'm learning, and I'm trusting in God. The light bulb was that these people were not just asking like it was the weather. They didn't just want to hear OK...they really wanted to know. We've found a church that exceeds all expectations of a church. People really do care, and they mean what they say. What an awesome wonderful feeling! Seriously. I laughed a little, cried a little, and felt way better about what is going on when I walked out of that church door. My life is not surrounded with people that are just "there" anymore. My life is surrounded by people that care, that will most likely love me through the ugly, and that are full of well...Grace.
I didn't ever have to give natalie a warning...I think she already knew. I think that I already knew as well, that she knows me well enough to know I'm not a wallower. I don't know if this all made sense, but it was on my mind. I've thought about going back and editing it, but I'm not going to...it's my real thought process! <3 to you
I had a friend over for lunch today. We've been slowly getting to know one another, and I was so excited. As we've talked more and more, I realized that I really liked her personality, and I think we are going to be friends for a long time. While we were talking, I had the sudden urge to tell her something. It was like one of those...just so you know what you are getting into moments. Just so you know, I've been sick for a long time. I don't see it changing anytime soon, so run now if you need to? I told her(natalie!), I don't want people to feel sorry for me. It's like when I talk about being sick, it's kind of like other people talk about their kids getting on the bus. It's just part of my life. I need my friends to make me laugh and be silly about it. I don't need someone to feel bad. Of course, sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on. It's not like I sit and feel sorry for myself, and I don't want people to think that I'm needy.
I guess this stems from when I was sick a few years ago, I lost all of my friends but the ones that truly mattered. When you go through hard times, you realize very quickly who your friends are and who is just around for the fun. A friend loveth at all times....just not the times that you are lovable! I've learned that I don't want to "piddle" around with people trying to see if they are going to stick. I want real friends. Friends like Lucinda and Rachel that have been my rock and my laughter when I was sitting on sinking sand. These are things that I've known.
My light bulb moment came when I went to church afterwards. I was sitting around several people that I know but not really all the way. So many people ask me these days, "so how are you feeling?" Sometimes I hate answering, because you know, it just kinda stays the same. How am I really feeling?? Do you want to know if I'm hurting or if it's a pain free day? Do you want to know if I'm happy or sad? Do you just want to hear me say ok or fine? What do you really want to know? I don't want to sound pessimistic in all this, and I am so thankful for all of the prayers.
My answer tonight was "ok". Someone said...no really, HOW ARE YOU FEELING? I answered....well, on a 1 to 3 scale...I'm a 2. I'm happy, I'm learning, and I'm trusting in God. The light bulb was that these people were not just asking like it was the weather. They didn't just want to hear OK...they really wanted to know. We've found a church that exceeds all expectations of a church. People really do care, and they mean what they say. What an awesome wonderful feeling! Seriously. I laughed a little, cried a little, and felt way better about what is going on when I walked out of that church door. My life is not surrounded with people that are just "there" anymore. My life is surrounded by people that care, that will most likely love me through the ugly, and that are full of well...Grace.
I didn't ever have to give natalie a warning...I think she already knew. I think that I already knew as well, that she knows me well enough to know I'm not a wallower. I don't know if this all made sense, but it was on my mind. I've thought about going back and editing it, but I'm not going to...it's my real thought process! <3 to you
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