My ladybug Lulu

Just sitting here thinking of my sweet Alexa Lu. From the moment I held her in my arms, I knew that she was so special. She changed my life in so many ways. The beginning of her life was a little scary for me. Married to a man that was wicked in so many ways, I was scared of what our life was going to be like. 2 weeks after she was born, he left. Such truth in the saying, "anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad". Her father had left, but her daddy would enter her life a year and a half later. She knows the truth now, and she says, "I don't want anyone but my daddy. What a blessing she has in Terry. He adopted her when she was 4. We talked about it before we ever got married. I told him that Alexa didn't have a dad, and he replied...Angie, you've got to be kidding me. SHe's mine. What an incredible feeling to have someone call you "mine". He didn't get a child by chance, he personally took her into his life and arms, and he's never acted any other way.
Alexa has always been a shy one. She started talking with a binky in her mouth, and because of that, she always spoke a little different. People couldn't understand her, so so just wouldn't talk. She instead began writing and reading at a very young age. I can remember when she was 3, she started writing in journals..so much like her mom in that way! We moved several times in the course of her first few years, which didn't help the shyness.
This last year we really saw her start to come out of her shell. She started talking and being silly. Our excitement turned to sadness this year though. The kids in her class have been so incredibly mean to her. NOthing a parent ever wants to see their child go through. She has been crawling back in her shell. They kids at school push and kick her, call her names(most recently Medusa), and make fun of her for not having a boyfriend...like a 10 year old needs a boyfriend? REALLY! I pray that she finds good friends....great friends that protect her, give her confidence, and are loyal. Friends that find the best in the incredible child that she is. I pray that her talents just shine through. I pray that no matter what she knows how truly special she is...not once, but 2 times she has been hand picked! Yes, 2 times...she was picked by her daddy on earth and her daddy in Heaven! I'm so thankful that Alexa knows and understands God's love. I pray that her daddy and I do all the right things and all the things we can to love and support her and to make her feel like she is the princess she is.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you..please don't take my sunshine away. I used to sing this to Alexa every night. She told her pre-k teacher that she knew her mommy loved her, because she sang that song to her. I find so much more meaning in that song now. Please don't take the sunshine that we see from our little girl. Please keep her full of light. She makes me so happy. She turned my life from a crazy party-girl, insecure girl into a mom that had never known the love that I had never felt for anyone before. I named her after the 2 most important people in my life. Alex(a)...my granddaddy that was my hero, and Lucinda, my best friend of 20 years.
"charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord, SHE SHALL BE PRAISED!

Butterflies

Going through old notes, and posting the ones that I hold especially dear to my heart. I wrote this Summer of 2009...

Do you appreciate those butterflies?

As most of you know, I went to Dallas this past week to visit my family. I stayed with my parents and my cousin, Paul, that I have not seen since my grandfather’s funeral (Feb 2001), my sister and her family before their 3 year trip to Japan, and my cousin that recently lost his wife. We left of Tuesday morning to come back, and my husband took 3 of the kids and the dog in the van, while I got the quiet, sleepy, and beautiful Alexa riding in the other car! Talk about appreciation right there! As I drove the long drive back to Houston, I started to think about how much I have to appreciate. Yeah, everyone says that sometimes, but REALLY….let me count thy ways!

For me to really be able to explain all of this, I need to go back a little. In 2002, I married the best man ever that adopted my daughter from a previous marriage. As soon as we got married, we got pregnant with Wylie…10 week old-2 pound-preemie baby. We lost our business shortly after, and right as Terry started his new job, we found out I was pregnant with Maggie. Scared to death, because we were told, “You and this baby are most likely not going to make it!” after I had such a terrible pregnancy with Wylie. God had lead us through so many deserts of life, and then we were hit with the biggest challenge we would ever hit.

In Oct 2006, I went in to have my thyroid removed. It was supposed to be a fairly easy surgery with an easy recovery! No problems, right? Wrong, The doctor messed some things up, a nurse forgot to take a blood level, and I ended up in the ICU for several weeks. I was very sick! I couldn’t walk, talk, or handle daily tasks, because I had problem after problem resulting from my surgery. At one point, I was taking like 60 pills a day prescribed by my doctor for all of the complications(muscle relaxers, vicodin, lorazapam, antidepressants, sleeping pills, major doses of calcium, vitamin D, narcolepsy meds…you name it!). I was told by every doctor I went to that they didn’t know what to do with me or how to fix me. My problems just got worse and worse. I prayed every minute of every day that God heal me! Give these doctors a clue! Help me fix this! I know He was with me every minute of every day, but I just couldn’t see clear as to what, why, when, …I had always been the happiest person in the room, but I saw no hope in life during the following months. I couldn’t see the sun because of the clouds….

On July 31, 2007 I gave up. I was ready to go home to sit in God’s lap! My children were away visiting my parents, my husband left for work, and I swallowed every pill I had (about 500 at the time) and laid down in my garage wrapped in a blanket, and said, “Come and get me…I’m ready!” WELL, He wasn’t ready for me ;0). My husband found me that evening, and I spent the next I don’t know how many days/weeks in a coma. Not knowing if I was going to wake or what I was going to be like if I did wake up, my friends and husband sold most everything that was in my house…everything!!!! I came home in the end of August to a 10X10 storage unit consisting of a bed, my grandmother’s china, and a few misc other things. All my worldly possessions gone! On top of that, my children were in Dallas, and no one would tell me when they could come home. During my hospital stay, the doctor’s were able to mostly “fix” me.

This story to say,
I drove home with the radio off while Alexa slept soundly thinking about how my life has changed in 2 years. So I started counting the ways..

1. I have a husband that is my best friend. He takes care of me, loves me when I’m unlovable, While in Dallas, I had dinner with my cousin who lost his wife of one year this past Feb. She died suddenly at a very young age. I saw the fresh pain of loosing a spouse…what I almost did to my husband voluntarily. He’s doing good…btw.
2. I have 3 ½ (lol) children that God has blessed my every day with…when you are away from them for 4-5 months, you realize that even the worst of days are the best! I get pregnant just LOOKing at my husband, while so many of my friends struggle to get pregnant or have children or are going through adoption.
3. I have a much better relationship with my family. I hadn’t ever felt like I really fit in, but I know and feel how much my parents love me now. Even my sister is one of my best friends! TO think of her being in Japan for 3 years made me bawl like a baby!
4. I have a home…something I didn’t have for several months, because we lived in a hotel while the kids were in Dallas. We moved into our house that we live in now November 07 with a bed, vacuum, and plates! Lol I even have a kitchen table to eat at now ;0)
5. I have found my cousin after living so long thinking he was not even alive. I saw God’s hand work in so many ways bringing him home and back together with his mom and dad and getting to hug his neck.
6. I have my health. I have little to no problems with all my blood levels (most of the time). There are still occasional days that I hurt like the dickens or feel like I have the flu, but they are few and far between! When they come, I know there is an end to the pain…it can be fixed!
7. I have a car that’s paid for…lol We lost our car during the hurricane last year, and we were able to buy a car with cash in February of this year! No car payment!
8. I have a faith in God that is beyond what words can say! He has brought me through hell to discover what “heaven” I do have on this earth, and He is going to bring me home when HE is good and ready! Nothing “of this world” will ever matter like it did before!
9. I have the best friends in the world. I lost all but a handful of friends during my recovery. You find out who your REAL friends are when things get tough! We have since been blessed with so many incredible friends, and our children have made so many wonderful friends as well!
10. I have a life! I am here! God must have some big plans for me, because from my last 2 pregnancies, to my surgery, to that day in July I have seen my life flash before my eyes so many times!
11. I react to things differently than I ever did before. I used to cry all the time(happy, sad, angry, commercials..you name it!). I don’t cry that much anymore, but I feel a joy and sense of peace that indescribable! I don’t get mad like I used to or hold grudges. I still laugh at pretty much everything! I make more messes with my children.

I appreciate so many things.
I cherish everything just a little bit more!
I realize that the sun should never go down on that anger, because tomorrow may never come.
Don’t worry about the little worries of life, but enjoy the big things in your life!
Tell more people about what God has done in your life, because too many people are lost in this world!
Never give up on God…cause He knows better than you do!


Get an umbrella for those rainy days, or just get out and dance in the rain….the rain is coming, so what are you going to do about it?

Appreciate those butterflies?

I heard a quote while I was in rehab that said, “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she woke up to be a beautiful butterfly!” My butterfly day has come and gone…my wings are spread, and I’m flying with my faith in HIM!

I don’t know how many people will read this far, or how many will really understand…but I just wanted to share my butterfly day with you!

The medical mystery

October 20, 2009

I am adding to this story, because you see...I do not think this is thyroid. Something is very wrong, and we are not sure what. I'm adding pictures of the stages following this note. Progressively getting worse. It's so hard to explain what is going on, but pictures say everything. It was only at night, but now is happening during the day as well ;) My celiac came back negative

The difference in a week.

I did a little experiment this week. I have struggled for almost 3 years with my thyroid. If you don't struggle with your thyroid...this may put it into perspective.

The first picture was taken one week ago in the morning (maroon colored shirt). My somewhat normal body weight or what is probably HIGH thyroid levels.
The second picture was taken tonight(red shirt) at what i know is LOW thyroid levels.
The third picture was taken when I was 9 months pregnant...well this one is just for comparison.

This is the difference between being "fat" and "swollen". This is what a crazy thyroid will do to your body.

Side note: I am so thankful that Ii have a husband that loves me no matter what I look like. I am so thankful that I learned a lesson from a friend long ago...they said, "I never noticed you had gained weight until you did" I am so thankful that I accepted then that I am who I am, and I AM beautiful no matter what my body may look like.

January 3

Well I went to the ER last night because I had a stabbing pain in my side. This is a new thing, because usually it hurts down lower. I have my sonogram scheduled for Tuesday with my gyno, and I have an appointment with a GI doctor on January 11. I just couldn't wait until Tuesday! I took my pictures, because I know this is all tied together, and the pictures say a lot.
They put in an IV line(standard thing), and did a pregnancy test(LOLOLOL UM NO!). They never asked for my medical history or my medication list...um a little concerned about that! The doctor came in and said that he wanted to do a catscan, because he thought that it was kidney stones. I knew it wasn't kidney stones. I've had stones before, and this was not the same feeling!
After my ct scan, they put me in a room to wait. We waited for over 2 hours. I told Terry that I thought they had probably forgotten about us! No one had come in at all! Right after that, the nurse came in to discharge us. Um, a little confusing since we had seen no one since I had my ct scan? We asked her if we were going to see the doctor again, and she informed us that he had left for the night. She was ready to discharge me with my IV still in and all! We told her that we wanted to see a doctor, because I wanted some answers. We were then informed that it would be a long wait...we were now at the end of the line! I told Terry that if someone didn't come in within the hour that I was leaving(and probably not quietly!). Not sure if the next lady was a doctor or nurse, but she read back my results....no abnormality on my CT scan(no blockages or cysts on my ovaries). My blood work came back ok. She said that stuff like uterine fibroids or stuff like that would not show on something like that though. They didn't know what it was. They gave me a shot of pain meds and sent me home. They also gave me a a prescription for muscle spasms in my colon as well...she said to try it...maybe it would work??? Random! GRRRR
The only good thing that came out of this was that I now have more blood results and CTscan results to take with me to my next appointment. Should get hormone levels back on Tuesday along with my sono.

My fear is not what is happening but that they will not figure out what is happening. Praying God gives these doctors the wisdom to know what it is. I am so thankful for all of the prayers. I know that God is growing us in ways that we can not see right now. He is using every step of the way for His good. Each time I wonder why me, I start to pray! If I'm praying, I can't be worrying! I can't imagine how people that do not believe in God face things like this...

Will keep updating...thanks again for the prayers.

January 5

Well the update is there is really no update. Sonogram, blood work, and biopsy all came back normal. The only possible answer is that there could have been an ovarian cyst that might have popped, and there could be pain lasting for up to 6 months...if that in fact that did happened. There is no way to tell if that happened though, but you can not diagnose after the fact. I'm disappointed because I just want this stupid pain to stop, and I want answers. The good news is I do not have any female problems that are present right now. They gave me an anti-inflammatory med to see if it helps the pain. The problem is that the main pain I'm facing is in my female area. I feel like I'm having labor pains all of the time. If there is no problem in that area, then how are they going to fix the pain? It's very hard to live in such pain EVERY day.

After a little emotional break down today, I am doing good. I really just want answers. I can face whatever comes my way, but I have a really hard time not knowing what to face. I know God is holding me in his arms right now. I know all I can do is run to him. I know He is teaching me great and wonderful things(I am not being sarcastic about this.) Through all things positive and negative that have happened in life, I have learned more about myself and more about how much I need God. I honestly do not know how people that do not believe in God face every day? If you know me, you know I have a positive outlook on everything in life, and I love to laugh more than anyone! I asked God "why?" today...Why me...why must I go through all of this crap(this is the 2nd time in life that I have faced a major medical disaster!). What have I not learned? Well...I know that I will see the light one day!

I'm going to the gastro doctor next week. Today, I'm just emotionally exhausted.

I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate all of your prayers! Please keep them coming!

I want to thank you all for the many laughs through this all...that is what keeps me going! Giggles. Please keep them coming, too!

I want to thank my husband for taking care of me and putting up with at times a very emotional and grumpy wife! Thank you for sticking by me and being my cheerleader and advocate! <3>

January 11, 2010

Went to the gastro doctor today. Scheduled endoscopy(video down the throat and stomach) and colonoscopy(video up the the other end!) on Wed. I have to clean out and skip all food tomorrow. I also have to skip one of my very important medicines...which scares the crud out of me. My body doesn't absorb calcium because of my lack of parathyroids. Calcium is very important for your muscles to keep them limber. If you don't have calcium, your muscles get crunchy. Have you ever had a charlie horse in your leg? Take that times 10 and then imagine it staying around all day all through your body...that is how I feel when my calcium is off. This is very scary for me, because it takes some time for it to be fixed. 2 days can throw this off for a week or two. I also have a cat scan (with the color) that I have to schedule this week as well(another fasting!). LOL...I kinda need all this fasting though, because I have gained 14 pounds this week...something I'm used to with the thyroid mess. My doctor told me that he didn't want to treat the symptoms of my problem right now until he knew what the problem is...The symptoms that I'm talking about here is the extreme pain that I am living with each day. It is growing worse and worse, and I have shed many a tear over this lately. The doctors don't care, because hey...I'm just another patient, and they get to go home at the end of the day. TO live in pain like this every day is quite a downer. I hate complaining, and I'm so tired of hearing myself say I really don't feel good. Yes, we have steps lined out for the next week, but I also have to live through this next week!


I am asking for more prayers. I'm at a point emotionally that I really don't like. I feel frustrated, exhausted, grouchy, discouraged, and just kind of lost. I know in my head what is right. I"m just having a day of feeling overwhelmed. ! I know Satan's really playing with my head. I feel like each moment is another prayer, because when I'm feeling bad, I stop and pray...I'm trusting him through this all, and I'm not sure why I"m struggling with the things I am right now. I feel like I"m loosing my sanity right now. It's so hard for me to say this to "the world", but I've documented my feelings through it all..why stop now, right? I look forward to one day looking back through all of my updates and seeing what all God has done that I have not seen. To see where he has worked that I haven't even been aware of right now.

My husband has been such an angel through this all. I feel sorry for him sometimes, because he is doing my job and his. I know we each have our days where the other one is giving more, but I feel like he's done more and more and I've done less and less!

I've given up before, and I'm not giving up now...it makes me want to work all the more to kick this thing in the butt!

My joke for the day is:
Wednesday I will no longer be full of crap! LOLOL

I really don't want anyone feeling sorry for me...just prayers please! And a joke here and then! Please feel free to make all the fun that you can with this...Im serious! LOL

Update on Wed, January 13

Well what a fun day! Seriously, today has been the easiest round of doctor's visits I've had! Of course, I was asleep for most of it. And I have some gross pictures to show the kids! LOL

Well Johnny Tell us what we have here....(drum roll) Nothing, Yep you've got it nothing
I did have 4 polyps that they took for biopsy, but nothing looks about abnormal about them. He gave me a medicine to take out the bad bacteria. I have a hemorrhoid...hello, you should have seen what I had to do yesterday, and I had already predicted that. There was no blockage in my large intestine or colon The camera's can only go so far though.. Everything else looks fine.

Plan:
He wants me to try a lactose free diet(I guess he was pulling at straws?) and go for my catscan with contrast on Monday.

That is the short of it. The long of it is...

I feel like this is 2 years ago all over again. I feel like every time I go to the doctor there are no answers. The only difference now is they are still looking, and they are not stopping and just telling me to go home. THe other difference is that I'm not so doped up on pain medicine and other crap that I'm floating through this all. Instead I feel it every day. I feel horrible, and I'm in a huge amount of pain that no one(doctors) seems to be worrying about. NO, I don't want to be doped up beyond, but I'm also just tired of feeling the way I'm feeling. I'm thankful that nothing major has been found, please don't get me wrong. But "just another week" seems like an eternity for me. I'm thankful for all of the encouragement and prayers. I'm thankful for all of my cheerleaders. I'm thankful for the giggles, because they take my mind to a different place, and I forget about what's going on...I really don't know how to describe what I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm being unappreciative some days because I get down and words can't bring me back. I feel like no one understands exactly what I'm going through(although I know many people do).
The other main difference is I KNOW there is an end to this piece of HELL I'm living in. I know that I'm not stopping until an answer is found. I'm not giving up on doctors or myself before something is found. I still have my eyes focused on God and all he is teaching me. I lost focus 2 years ago, and I will never loose that focus again! I also have a group of friends that are not just acquaintances. I have a home church that is my rock. I have a husband who's been down this road with me before. I have my parents.

I'm sorry for the late update, but today when I got home I just crawled in bed and went to sleep. I had to figure out what my plan was and pray, pray, pray!

Happiness is a choice, On doctor days, sometimes I do not choose happiness, but all other days, I choose giggles! I continue to see the positive and growth that I'm going through right now. Faith is a huge thing. I told my friend yesterday, "You can't worry about what is to come. Trust that He is with you. When you are worrying or hurting, you need to start praying. If you are praying you can't be hurting or worrying."

For those of you that are worried about my emotional state, I hope that I have given you peace that I'm in a brighter place than I used to be.

January 18, 2010

Well...went for the ct scan today. I had to drink 3 bottles of contrast...the worst part of this journey yet! Yes, I would do a colonoscopy any day over that stuff! It was a very difficult morning for me. When I arrived at the check in, I started talking with the nurse at the desk. I was telling her what was going on and showed her the infamous pictures. She immediately asked if I'd been checked for endometriosis. I told her no, and she told me that a ct scan with contrast would show that...whew! She has struggled with it, and she told me that it looked very much like endometriosis. She was one of the nicest nurses I've meet so far :)
I went in for my scan, and I had some funny ladies in there. I asked the one nurse if I could see the pictures when I was done...I know she couldn't answer questions, but I knew that I could pry anyway! After it was done, she started showing me the pictures and telling me what I was looking at and for. She said with confidence that my kidneys looked great. She also told me what to look for in my colon pictures...looked great as well. Then she showed me my bladder and uterus. I said that that my uterus was bigger than I expected. She replied...um, yes it is BIG. I asked her if that could be from having 3 kids, and she said.."yes and no. It is BIG" From the feeling I got, that is where she saw a problem. Pure speculation, but by the way she said it, that was my feeling. I wave of peace washed over me. This is the first time that I've felt like there may be an answer, and it is exactly where I've felt the pain!!! I'm hoping not to get too excited, but then again, it feels so good just to feel like there is a possibility. The nurse told me to call my doctor tomorrow afternoon, and if he didn't have the results to call her back, and she would personally fax them over herself!
I was so down going in today, but I walked out with a smile and feeling of hope! I'm hoping that there are no more test with any kind of liquids involved! LOL
Even if this is not the answer, I felt like I had a renewing of mind today...seems to happen a lot on doctor days!
Thank you so much for everyone's words of encouragement. I can't tell you how much that it meant to me. I read them all as I was drinking #2 and #3 of the contrast...again YUCK!!!!

and so the story continues....

Well here goes

So many people have blogs these days, and honestly, I've never done one, because I didn't think I had much to say. Seems like life has changed so much that I do have a lot to say, a lot going on, and many kids to keep me thinking! So here goes...

Right now my life is in the midst of chaos! Between 3 kids, a step son, and many medical problems, I seem to stay very busy. I've been going from doctor to doctor trying to find this medical mystery that plagues my body. Swelling and hurting are daily trials that I face, but even in the face of trial I find joy. God has taught us so much in this journey, and I continue to stand in awe of His love and mercy. I feel like I'm learning now that no matter what, I am not in charge of my life. I have to give up and give it all to Him. I am quite a control freak, so this is very hard for me.

Terry and I are also learning much about our marriage and family. Last night we sat in the kitchen talking about how far we have come. From being financially on the high side to loosing everything, we are grateful and appreciate all we have.

We'll see where this blog goes or if I ever decide to make it public, but for now, it's just for me.