after thoughts on today

Respect means not much to not many people. I just want to go get into bed and come out on Sunday...maybe even a few Sundays down the road. (hang with me here...I've been ambiened. Haha..sometimes these are the best thoughts! Good thing most people don't read my blogs.

Rough day...neighbors and their kids...no respect for their kids or me. Grumpy husband. Tired self, because not sleeping when things are just "right", and thyroid is wacky, which makes my calcium quirky. wonder how different choices of decisions could have changed things. Kids are acting weird because they know somethings up. Tired to talk to LT...he wouldn't respond at all to me. Wouldn't even look at me. I'm hurt and feeling helpless, and I can't do anything about it! I question all that he's told me, because I just don't know anymore...

I've coming to a stopping or stalling point of just not knowing what to do. I'm giving up for tonight...don't know that tomorrow will be any better.

So helpless at Times

There are times that I feel so helpless...being a step parent will do that to you.

I have laid my heart out. I have tried to help. I have been honest in every way. I've given everything I can.
But, I'm not the mom.

I've been hurt by putting my feelings out there. I've tried to help, but I'm just in the way. I haven't gotten much honesty back. I'm lied to. I'm treated like crap. I've been stepped on and told to get out of the way. And that's just from being a step mom.

I've been called names. I've been told to leave. I've been told I'm nothing. I've been talked about. I've been lied about. I've been things that I can't even put into words...and that's from being an ex-wife.

Do I stop? NO. Why? Because I am a mom. I can't stop loving someone just because they don't love me. I can't stop helping, because I'm a mom. I am however at the edge of being everything I can be, because I'm beaten and broken down. I'm tired and am hurting. I've cried so many tears. I've prayed so many prayers. When God? When am I going to feel like I'm doing good? When am I going to stop hurting? What do I do?

How do you help someone who doesn't want help? How do you love someone that doesn't want to be loved? At what point do I stop being the carpet? When will I see the light?

I know, I know...in your timing. I know worse has happened to you. I know you've heard my prayers. I know you feel my pain. I know we are called to love the unlovable and help the hurting. We've been called to raise our children in the way they should go. But where do I stand in this? I know I"m not supposed to be a rug. 70 x 7 huh? I think we may be pushing the edge here Mr.! I have no more cheeks to turn. I'm getting pretty purple. So many thoughts....

Teenagers

Well it sure is easy to say what you are going to do when you have teenagers. It's easy to tell others what to do when they have teenagers, but let me tell you....teenagers are going to drive my hair either out or gray faster than you can blink. Going to add more to this a little later...have to go babysit my teenagers. LOL

Loss of a loved one

Loss of a loved one is never easy, but the loss of a loved one that you aren't sure was a christian is even harder. This week has been extremely difficult for me. My Aunt Susan passed away earlier this week. She had a brain tumor (stage 4) last year that was removed. She was told that the prognosis was not good, but if it came back, it would definitely take her. It came back a month or two ago. They told her that she would not be able to have surgery again, and that it would take her in time. I called her immediately. My aunt and uncle rarely answer their phone. My uncle doesn't even know how to use a cell phone! They rarely even check their voicemail. So when I called, I was expecting to get voicemail, but I wanted to call and tell her how much I loved her and how much I was thinking of her. She actually answered the phone...holy cow! I was able to speak to her for about 30 minutes, and we caught up on life. She was having a good day, and I know that she knew exactly what I was saying. I told her how much I truly loved her. That is what I hold on to now. Did I ask her if she believed in God? If she believed that Jesus died on the cross to save her sins? NO...I don't know why, but I didn't. As our pastor spoke in church this morning about how people were going to hell, I just sat there as tears ran down my cheeks. Why? Why did I tell her I loved her, but I never asked her if I was going to be spending eternity in heaven with her? I will never know. I will never know if she is in heaven or hell until I get there. What a hard guilty feeling that is. Aunt Susan, if you are in heaven, I can't wait to see you. You were my favorite aunt. I remember when I was in college, and you and Uncle Art got divorced. I wrote you a note and called you to tell you that I wanted you in the divorce. I was so happy when you remarried. You were a remarkable lady to deal with the crap that you dealt with. You loving and peaceful spirit always gave me warm fuzzies. I hope you know how special you were to me. I pray that you are in heaven with Grandaddy, Papaw, Grandmommy, and Deedee, and most importantly, that you are with our loving father. I thank God that you are no longer in pain. I've probably cried more over you than I have any of the people that have left this earth, because I just don't know. So now...I'm going to get over my guilt and start sharing even more. I met a little girl at the pool this week that is fighting leukemia. One of my first questions to her mom was, "Do you believe in God?" Your life has changed mine once again <3 you always, Angie

I didn't think we were to speak of the day...

It came to my attention lately that LT had never heard the story of the butterfly day. SO tonight we spoke of it. I gave every detail I remembered. He was very receptive to it. He told me that his mom had told him that I was dead...wow! At the end of the conversation, I told him "I love you". His response was "I love you....more" Oh my gosh, I was crying! we've been through so much. All wounds have healed...even more so now. What an amazing experience for us both.

Oh Summer...I don't know if I'm ready for you!

This year I have been completely spoiled. My first year of all of the kids in school. After 11 years of having babies at home, I finally had a few hours to myself every day. My year of wonderful is getting ready to be stopped with an abrupt halt...summer vacation. I'm excited, yet I'm thinking...when am I going to sleep? When am I going to have time to clean house? What am I going to do to keep these crazy kids busy and happy? I will survive. It's not like I haven't done it before. Most kids count the days until summer gets out...I think I will be counting the days until school starts. Don't get me wrong...I love my kids more than life itself. They are pure entertainment and love like no one I've ever known. They love each other and they love life. Sheer happiness wakes me up in the morning...giggles, screams of goofy, and jumping on beds. I just need to teach Maggie the workings of the remote...lol

Gripe for the day (I don't gripe often, so I'm allowed now and then):
Kids! If you don't want them, then don't have them! I heard a friend this week griping like I've never heard about her kids. I seriously wanted to ask her what she actually liked about her kids. All I hear from her is they did this, and they did that, and they are driving me insane. Really, I know each mother has their moment of insanity, but all the time? God gave you those gifts...enjoy them, because like my other friend, she just lost her baby. A baby that she desperately wanted. OKay...I'm done.

Insomnia

OH the world of insomnia. Tired during the day and wide awake at night. Oh how I wish I was a teenager again and carefree. I slept good then, but I guess I had more time to stop and smell the roses.
After a long and busy day of dealing with others and my kids, I sit awake. I think of what to do with "this" situation or "that" one? What's for dinner tomorrow? Did I pack Maggie's snack? Are there enough socks in Wylie's drawer? Did I lock the door? Are the bills paid? Wonder how my friend is? Something made me mad or sad. Something got me thinking that I could have handled something differently. Someone said something that got me thinking. I was encouraged by something. I remembered something special from the kid's earlier days. Praying all is well.

So many thoughts!!! Where did they come from? When will they stop? I finally close my eyes and put my head down and either sit thinking or lay down and crash. Waking up in the morning is not fun. It's stolen my happy morning person, and it's left me with a foggy grumpy person. Drop the kids off and either go back to bed for a few hours or face the day. No time for those thoughts now. I have stuff to do and places to go. Phone rings and emails come in. Kids have so many questions. Fix dinner. Give baths. Read books. And then I'm back to the insomnia.
When did this pattern start? I'm still really not sure, but sometimes I think of it as "my time". My special time to reflect over life. Sometimes, it's my time to watch a movie or eat dinner(sometimes my first meal of the day). Sometimes it's just my time to plan.
I think having kids for so many years in a row made my sleep schedule completely got knocked off. Up in the middle of the night over and over, and then trying to sleep when they slept. Looking forward to nap time! People pulling and tugging on me physically and emotionally. It's like when you spin a spinner. It gets going, then spins really fast, and then it starts to slow and bobble until it stops. I guess that's what I am...a spinner. lol
It's going to be OK until summer. WHen summer comes, I have no time to stop and bobble around. That's why I like the pool so much. I can either sit quietly and soak up the sun, or I can jump in and be awakened by some freezing water.
I don't know if insomnia is my friend or foe. I love insomnia, because I do stop to think of all the little things. I have time to talk with my friends or just enjoy a moment of silence. I hate insomnia, because it leaves me tired and worn out. For right now, we have to be friends. We live together every day. So why not make a blog about it, and then go to bed. My thoughts are complete.