Thank you for the perfect timing

Well, funny how God sometimes has IMMEDIATE timing. I guess he made this one priority! (Thank you God for these great blessings...no matter what circumstances you brought to answer them!) I was so frustrated last Friday. I saw so much progress being thrown out the window! I was so deflated. Just wanting to fix that relationship between me and my son. I blogged about it,because it was the ONLY way I knew to get my real true feelings out. Today, my son says to me, "maybe I need to talk to you more often." Oh yes, I grabbed my tissue and cried my eyes out. He's hurting, and he needed his "not so wicked" step mom to hug his heart. (oh more tears...where's my tissue?). He is wanting to fix things. He is needing me to help. He is reaching out to ME?! I hurt for him going through what he's going through, but it is all part of God's perfect plan to get him to be where he needs to be. Thanks again my daddy God for hearing my cry, and making me feel like it was a priority to fix. I know not all things come so quickly...this has been a 10 year prayer...but I cried out and you answered it as soon as you could. I know there may be days where we backslide, but today, I'm blogging about the miracles I see, because I want to read back on those hard days and remember that we are making progress!

after thoughts on today

Respect means not much to not many people. I just want to go get into bed and come out on Sunday...maybe even a few Sundays down the road. (hang with me here...I've been ambiened. Haha..sometimes these are the best thoughts! Good thing most people don't read my blogs.

Rough day...neighbors and their kids...no respect for their kids or me. Grumpy husband. Tired self, because not sleeping when things are just "right", and thyroid is wacky, which makes my calcium quirky. wonder how different choices of decisions could have changed things. Kids are acting weird because they know somethings up. Tired to talk to LT...he wouldn't respond at all to me. Wouldn't even look at me. I'm hurt and feeling helpless, and I can't do anything about it! I question all that he's told me, because I just don't know anymore...

I've coming to a stopping or stalling point of just not knowing what to do. I'm giving up for tonight...don't know that tomorrow will be any better.

So helpless at Times

There are times that I feel so helpless...being a step parent will do that to you.

I have laid my heart out. I have tried to help. I have been honest in every way. I've given everything I can.
But, I'm not the mom.

I've been hurt by putting my feelings out there. I've tried to help, but I'm just in the way. I haven't gotten much honesty back. I'm lied to. I'm treated like crap. I've been stepped on and told to get out of the way. And that's just from being a step mom.

I've been called names. I've been told to leave. I've been told I'm nothing. I've been talked about. I've been lied about. I've been things that I can't even put into words...and that's from being an ex-wife.

Do I stop? NO. Why? Because I am a mom. I can't stop loving someone just because they don't love me. I can't stop helping, because I'm a mom. I am however at the edge of being everything I can be, because I'm beaten and broken down. I'm tired and am hurting. I've cried so many tears. I've prayed so many prayers. When God? When am I going to feel like I'm doing good? When am I going to stop hurting? What do I do?

How do you help someone who doesn't want help? How do you love someone that doesn't want to be loved? At what point do I stop being the carpet? When will I see the light?

I know, I know...in your timing. I know worse has happened to you. I know you've heard my prayers. I know you feel my pain. I know we are called to love the unlovable and help the hurting. We've been called to raise our children in the way they should go. But where do I stand in this? I know I"m not supposed to be a rug. 70 x 7 huh? I think we may be pushing the edge here Mr.! I have no more cheeks to turn. I'm getting pretty purple. So many thoughts....

Teenagers

Well it sure is easy to say what you are going to do when you have teenagers. It's easy to tell others what to do when they have teenagers, but let me tell you....teenagers are going to drive my hair either out or gray faster than you can blink. Going to add more to this a little later...have to go babysit my teenagers. LOL

Loss of a loved one

Loss of a loved one is never easy, but the loss of a loved one that you aren't sure was a christian is even harder. This week has been extremely difficult for me. My Aunt Susan passed away earlier this week. She had a brain tumor (stage 4) last year that was removed. She was told that the prognosis was not good, but if it came back, it would definitely take her. It came back a month or two ago. They told her that she would not be able to have surgery again, and that it would take her in time. I called her immediately. My aunt and uncle rarely answer their phone. My uncle doesn't even know how to use a cell phone! They rarely even check their voicemail. So when I called, I was expecting to get voicemail, but I wanted to call and tell her how much I loved her and how much I was thinking of her. She actually answered the phone...holy cow! I was able to speak to her for about 30 minutes, and we caught up on life. She was having a good day, and I know that she knew exactly what I was saying. I told her how much I truly loved her. That is what I hold on to now. Did I ask her if she believed in God? If she believed that Jesus died on the cross to save her sins? NO...I don't know why, but I didn't. As our pastor spoke in church this morning about how people were going to hell, I just sat there as tears ran down my cheeks. Why? Why did I tell her I loved her, but I never asked her if I was going to be spending eternity in heaven with her? I will never know. I will never know if she is in heaven or hell until I get there. What a hard guilty feeling that is. Aunt Susan, if you are in heaven, I can't wait to see you. You were my favorite aunt. I remember when I was in college, and you and Uncle Art got divorced. I wrote you a note and called you to tell you that I wanted you in the divorce. I was so happy when you remarried. You were a remarkable lady to deal with the crap that you dealt with. You loving and peaceful spirit always gave me warm fuzzies. I hope you know how special you were to me. I pray that you are in heaven with Grandaddy, Papaw, Grandmommy, and Deedee, and most importantly, that you are with our loving father. I thank God that you are no longer in pain. I've probably cried more over you than I have any of the people that have left this earth, because I just don't know. So now...I'm going to get over my guilt and start sharing even more. I met a little girl at the pool this week that is fighting leukemia. One of my first questions to her mom was, "Do you believe in God?" Your life has changed mine once again <3 you always, Angie

I didn't think we were to speak of the day...

It came to my attention lately that LT had never heard the story of the butterfly day. SO tonight we spoke of it. I gave every detail I remembered. He was very receptive to it. He told me that his mom had told him that I was dead...wow! At the end of the conversation, I told him "I love you". His response was "I love you....more" Oh my gosh, I was crying! we've been through so much. All wounds have healed...even more so now. What an amazing experience for us both.

Oh Summer...I don't know if I'm ready for you!

This year I have been completely spoiled. My first year of all of the kids in school. After 11 years of having babies at home, I finally had a few hours to myself every day. My year of wonderful is getting ready to be stopped with an abrupt halt...summer vacation. I'm excited, yet I'm thinking...when am I going to sleep? When am I going to have time to clean house? What am I going to do to keep these crazy kids busy and happy? I will survive. It's not like I haven't done it before. Most kids count the days until summer gets out...I think I will be counting the days until school starts. Don't get me wrong...I love my kids more than life itself. They are pure entertainment and love like no one I've ever known. They love each other and they love life. Sheer happiness wakes me up in the morning...giggles, screams of goofy, and jumping on beds. I just need to teach Maggie the workings of the remote...lol

Gripe for the day (I don't gripe often, so I'm allowed now and then):
Kids! If you don't want them, then don't have them! I heard a friend this week griping like I've never heard about her kids. I seriously wanted to ask her what she actually liked about her kids. All I hear from her is they did this, and they did that, and they are driving me insane. Really, I know each mother has their moment of insanity, but all the time? God gave you those gifts...enjoy them, because like my other friend, she just lost her baby. A baby that she desperately wanted. OKay...I'm done.