The Fair Game

Growing up, I always struggled with fairness. I never really felt like I got it, but I always FOUGHT to the end for it. Looking back, I see a different perspective even still. I strive to make things fair between my kids because of this.
All grown up, I still fight the fight for fairness. Seems like this time I really don't have much of a say, and it hurts. I want it so bad! I want it to come easy without me asking. It's my true passion. Why does it still not seem to be fair? Seriously? Am I just not quite good enough...I'd rather quit then. I don't want to be 1/2 good. Do I say something? I really don't want to do that! Do I just sit and enjoy the ride and wait for more answers when it is so hard and frustrating? Or, do I just quit and move on to other things in life? hmmmm so many things going through my head.
I've learned to accept myself for who I am. I haven't settled for just "OK" with so many things. I've set boundaries. I feel like I'm for the most part fair with myself. I try to be fair with everything.
Life's not fair....but it can be! Grrrr

March 25. Post operation Appointment

Went to my appointment today. Everything looks like it's healing great. She told me that the lab work had come back and that everything was benign. THEN, she told me that there were 3 tumors that were "good size". My jaw dropped. I"ve had a sonogram, a ct scan, and all these tests run, and nothing has ever showed up!!! Makes you really wonder about technology and second opinions, eh? She is still not sure that is what was causing the swelling, but I can imagine with 3 "good size" tumors, scar tissue, and adhesions, there is a good chance that is the answer. I also got a letter from my GI doctor this past week that said after further testing, he was requesting a sonogram on my gall bladder. My gyno said that she didn't think it was a bad idea to go ahead and have it checked out. I'm going to call my insurance company tomorrow and find out if it will be covered and then schedule it. I really think that my gyno was a GOD SEND! I don't know if a few years ago I would have gone to get a 2nd or 3rd opinion. I've always just trusted what doctors told me and trusted what test results came back. I no longer put these things on a pedestal like I did before!
All the nurses and doctor were in tears as I left. I'd shared my story, and they were 1. happy that she found the answer and have been healed, and 2. I think they saw first hand the difference made in my life. If you are in the Houston/Humble/Spring area and are in need of a good gyno, let me know, and I'll send you her name. She is the most caring doctor, and the nurses there are just as caring. When I went in for my first appointment, the doctor had to do a pelvic, and I was in so much pain that I was almost screaming. THe nurse held me hand with her one hand and gently rubbed my arm with her other hand as she spoke to me with a soft gentle angel like voice. I know that sounds corny, but touch is the most amazing thing to someone. It can calm the roaring seas of emotions.
I go back in 2 weeks for my internal check and release from all activity ;) My pain is gone, my swelling is gone, and I've lost 4 pounds.
I can not even begin to explain the amazing journey that God has brought me on through this all. When this all started, I thought...why me? Why again? What have I not learned? Don't you know I trust you God? Well...I didn't really trust Him. I wanted to control what was going on and I couldn't really let go. After talking with my pastor's wife one day, I heard myself say...I can deal with whatever it is, but I can't deal with not knowing what it is. It hit me...I'm not really giving this over to Him, am I? I looked at it then with new eyes. I've continued to ask why and what, but I started asking with a new direction. What do you want me to know, because I know I have more to learn. Why am I going through this? What are you teaching me, God? Leaning on the everlasting arms...He has never left me or forsaken me. He has taught me more than I could have ever imagined, and I am thankful beyond measure that I recognized MY control issues and just went along for the ride and never giving up. Trials are not for us to sulk, pout, and live negatively about, they are to grow us in ways that we never could have been grown otherwise. I"m feeling like a new person. Waking up with no pain is a blessing every day.
Thank you so much for your encouragement, laughs, prayers, shoulders to cry on, help with my family and their needs, and just being my friend. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for in life. I have the best family and husband.
What's next in life? Who knows? Life is never dull around my house, so I'm sure our next chapter of life will emerge somewhere or sometime soon, but that's ok. When we need God is when we are closest to Him.

God never says that He will not give you more than you can handle, but He will provide a way for you to endure.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (New Living Translation)

13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

All better now :)

 

Being good enough

Sometimes I just feel like I'm not good at anything...not like OK good, but REALLY good. I'm just OK good with this and that. I know I'm just having a pity party day, but I want to find what I'm really good at...I know if Lucy is reading this right now, she's probably thinking, "Angie, you can fold sheets like no one else!" lol

A simple surgery

yes, 2 blogs in one night. A lot racing through my head right now!

When I went in for my thyroid surgery, it was supposed to be a "simple surgery". In and out in a day. Who knew that there could be problems? Not me! I didn't research it. I didn't care. I wanted a simple fix. Take that sucker out, give me some synthroid, and send me home...right? Oh so wrong. I knew that Terry would be worried. Hospitals and surgeries make him very nervous. Stems from his mom being sick when he was 16. I promised him I would "behave" (LOL), and it would be OK! As I laid in bed before I was wheeled in, it hit me that the doctor would be slicing my neck open...yikes! We were joking and being silly...it's what we do. We prayed before I was wheeled off. I really don't remember much after that until my life changing moment. I woke up the next morning. I remember Terry standing by my side. Something was wrong, but I really couldn't figure out what it was. Why were people racing around me? The doctor was standing at the end of my bed reading my chart. Out of nowhere, my fingertips and toes started to tingle. Man were they tight! The feeling started to creep up my legs and arms. My heart started to feel numb. I started to tell Terry that I wasn't feeling good...it was moving up all around me. I was shaking, numb, pins and needles...I was loosing my breathe. I felt like there was a 1000 pound weight put on top of my chest. My thoughts...Terry...oh Terry I'm so sorry! I promised everything would be ok. He's probably freaking out, and I'm so sorry! My lips began to curve in..I couldn't say anything but I"M SORRY! I was violently shaking, and I couldn't breathe. Somebody help me...I'm sorry! Again, I couldn't remember anything until I woke up in another room. ICU. The pain and shakes returned again and again. NO amount of morphine could kill the monster that had taken over me.
My nurse had forgotten to take a blood level. A simple blood level that would have kept me from going into a major thyroid storm. My body had turned on me, because I had no parathyroid to accept calcium. NO calcium equals rock hard muscles.
A simple surgery.
NOw as I wait for the call to schedule my next simple surgery, I sit here and wonder...will it be a simple surgery? Have I done enough research? Have I weighed all of the options? Dear Lord, please let this be a simple surgery. I love my life too much to give up again. I love my children and my husband too much to think of them alone. Please heal my body.

Big Lips

When I was little I told my mom that I hated my lips. They were big! Why I picked my lips...I'm not so sure! I knew that there was not really anything "special" about my looks, but why I picked my lips? My mom told me, "Angie, people PAY for lips like yours!" I now look at my lips and think...People do pay for lips like mine! LOL My mom probably doesn't remember saying that to me, but I will never forget that huge compliment she gave me.
I wonder what will stick out in my children's mind. What will I say or do that they will remember? Will they remember that I was uplifting or that I yelled at them at the wrong moment. Will they know how much I truly love them, or will they feel like they were never good enough. Will they know that I love each of them for the individual person they are, or will they feel like they were left out. What words will hurt them the most? What words will they hold dear? What will be their favorite moment of childhood? What will be their favorite meal? Makes you wonder, and it scares the crap out of me! I do know that every day I pray for my children, and I pray that I am the best mom I can be.

The beauty of the Lord

Another old note that I wrote this past summer..

Last night I went out on a date night with my husband, Terry. I was so excited. I rushed to get all my kids settled in with friends house to spend the night. After dropping off our last child, Terry and I were walking to the car excited about having a night alone. I looked down and my shirt had "kid stains" on it. My hair had been thrown up in a pony tail, because I hadn't had time to get it fixed before we left. I had little to no makeup on my face. I'd 1/2 shaved my legs, because I was hurrying to get their stuff done, and I forgot the other half. The polish on my toes was coming off. Man, I was going on a date with my husband like this? We went by the house so that I could at least change shirts, and as we were walking out of the house, Terry looked at me and said, "um, you have a stain on that shirt as well!" I just didn't feel pretty! Having 4 kids can do a lot to you. As we were riding along, I was sitting thinking about all my imperfections; my tummy and other things that have gone south since having children, my tired eyes, my hair falling out because of health problems, stretch marks, on and on...man, how things have changed since I was in high school!
But you know what? I am still pretty. God made me just the way I am. He knows me and sees me as His most beautiful creation. Who am I to say, "well God, you made a few mistakes and why couldn't you have just fixed this or that?" I am wonderfully and beautifully made! He made me and knew exactly how He wanted me! Who could ask for more?
My grandfather put a Bible verse in the Bible he gave me when I was 13. It was probably the first verse I knew by heart and found real meaning in....Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord, SHE SHALL BE PRAISED! As a teenager, mother, growing woman, we need to repeat this verse to ourselves. Are you a woman who fears and loves the Lord...you are beautiful!