That first night, I went to bed, and I was so nervous. I didn't know if my roommate was stable enough for me to sleep in the room with. She seemed nice, but still...I had nt idea what people in a mental hospital were like. YOu can't get out of bed after lights out, because the nurses would freak out. I couldn't sleep. I got myself so upset, that I started throwing up all over myself in bed. I didn't have clothes to change into and you could only use the washing machines during certain hours...and this was not in the time frame. The nurse told me that I had to change my bed, but I had no clue where to get sheets. My roommate, Carol, went down and got me linens, made my bed, and tucked me back into bed. I knew then that I was probably safe.
I talked to my kids each day. They had ended up at my parents and I was very worried about them being there. I talked to my husband every day, but I worried about him, too.
The first day that I was there, they had outdoors time. I learned that this was not granted often so enjoy it. I went and ran the track and I sat down on a swing when I felt my leg sting. I wasn't sure if I had been bitten by something or what, but I knew that it hurt. I asked my nurse if I could have an ice pack or bandaid, and she said that you could only get that with doctor's orders, and my doctor wouldn't be in until the next day. I told her that I was prone to staph infections, and she said it didn't matter....dr's orders! A few days later, the weekend doctor came in and looked at my leg and gave orders for an icepack, bandaids, benadryl, and ibuprofen. I didn't want to take anything, because my body had just been flushed of all drugs. I finally gave into some ibuprofen one day when I was in so much pain that I couldn't stand it anymore. After I took the dose, I asked her when I could have the next dose, and she said that I was drug seeking. For Ibuprofen, really??? I had another nurse tell me at some point that she knew that I was a drug user, because I could swallow all of my pills at once. I've always been able to do that...I wasn't a drug user!
By the time i left Kingwood, I was scared to go back to a hospital, because of my expericnce, so I ended up having a 2 inch hole cut in my leg to drain the staph infection and was on crutches for the next week. I was in outpatient then, and I remember telling my nurse....really, drug seeking for ibuprofen? lol
Most people probably enjoy their stay in a mental hospital, because you can sleep all day. It's lazy time. Me? Oh no, I was bored and ready to go home. I missed my kids so much. I was told by my "friend" that had gotten me into this hospital that she knew some secrets that I'd not shared with my husband. She said that if I didn't tell her that she was going to tell him. I told him that night. He left, and I didn't know if he was coming back. That night was a huge change for me in rehab though. I went out to the smoke patio, and I was crying. Everyone was worried about me. I started to tell them what had happened, and I felt like I had the greatest support group ever. They understood what I was going through, and they didn't question my sanity like I felt everyone else did. I felt like I had to prove it to everyone else. They were like....if he loves you, he'll be there, and if not, you can do it. He did come back...every night during family visitation, he'd bring me food and we'd talk. His feelings were very hurt by what I'd done, but he said that he stayed, because he knew that if we got divorced that he'd lose Wylie. Such a big momma's boy. At that point, i was just worried if I'd ever see my kids again.
I spent my week instay, and I was ready to go home. Terry picked me up, and I was in a whole new world. Funny, it just seemed so much different to me. I was free, but really I wasn't. I had so much to prove to people. I had to see people that I'd hurt. I didn't know when I could go to the bathroom, when I could smoke, when I could eat, and when I could sleep. We went by our home for the next 3-4 months(InTown Suites) to get our room, and as we were walking to our room, I just held Terry's hand like a child wondering what this big world was all about. I know it sounds weird, but it was just like that....like a child in a big world. I took a shower and shaved for the first time. I remember sitting in that shower forever just wanting to wash all of the dirt of what I'd been through off. I didn't want to face anyone. Scared to death. Terry had to go to work the next day, and I had to go to outpatient rehab for 2 weeks...fun, fun! They kept telling me that I had to deal with my drug addiction, when I kept telling them I wasn't a druggie. I had a moment of wanting to end my life, and I took all those pills. In reality, I had become addicted to the pain meds and anti-anxiety pills that kept me sedated from my real life. What I remember most about that time was talking to Lucinda each morning as I drove to rehab. Talking about everything and once again, apologizing for hurting her.
All that time, i'd been praying for God to take it all away, and now I was left with no house, no things, no children, NOTHING...he'd taken it all away. We spent the next 4 months in that hotel room rediscovering who we were. The hardest part about that time was that I coudln't see my kids or talk to them whenever I wanted. They were in my parents hands, and I was scared that they were going to ruin them like they had me.
Terry only went with me one time to see the kids. It was too hard on him. I went every other weekend, because I wasn't allowed to be around T3 because of his mother and Terry not wanting to make waves with her. I also just missed and longed for my kids. I wanted them home so bad, and I would just sit and cry for them....again questioning if my life was hurting them more than I was being a mother to help them. Alexa asked me one time....mommy, you don't look sick anymore, so why can't you take me home? What do you say to that...I'm just sick in the head. I'd never planned that day, but it happened. I had hurt everyone that touched my life.
While I was in the hospital, they gave me a paper that said, "Just when the caterpillar that her life was over, she woke up to be a beautiful butterfly." I love that saying, because I really did think my life was over, but when I woke up...I shed all those layers of STUFF and emotional crap off and I was a perfectly new person.
Halloween of that year, we began looking for a place to stay. Nothing to put in a house, but I wanted a house so that I could bring my babies home! God sent us a house with a wonderful landlord. It was a few days before thanksgiving, and My dad had told me that he thought I needed to wait until Christmas to bring the kids home. I didn't want to wait until Christmas. Oh it broke my heart. Terry called me that day and said, "well I just got off the phone with your dad. We are going to Dallas for Thanksgiving, and we're bringing hte kids home that night. I was so in shock! I had waiting all this time to get my kids, and now it was really coming true. We drove down Thanksgiving day, and we had dinner. Terry said, well kids, let's load. up. He wasn't kidding! We were bringing them home at that very moment. EVERYONE was so excited and happy. We all just smiled and held hands and cried a little, too.
THings have changed in so many ways in our house. I appreciate every day that I have with my kids, and no matter what, they need me. Kind of like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants move #2. Her mother was a mess, but 5 years later she realizes that she was just selfish to leave. I wasn't hurting them as much as I would have if I would've left July 31 and never come home. We are far from perfect, but our finances are back to bearable, our kids are home, happy, and stable Our marriage has been restored and renewed. life is a little brighter. I'm well, and I appreciate all that goes with my life...good times and bed. In sickness and health. Til death do us part...part 2.
Fly butterfly, fly. Spread your wings and soar....who knows if this will be continued or not? Until I feel like I have all the pieces that fit together to make this puzzle of my life, I will never stop filling in the gaps. It makes everything a little more understandable and easier to deal with and put away that chapter on the shelf. God isn't finished with me yet.
Us
me and my handsome feller!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Memories...will probably edit this 1000 times part1
Ok...so my week is coming up. The infamous butterfly week. It's so freaking frustrating to me, because I can't remember half of what happened. If you know me, you know that details and memories are very important to me. I remember what socks I wore on the day that I got married...no white dress, but my favorite stripped soft sweater, my favorite pair of jeans(that I no longer fit into), my Christmas socks, and my brown Colehahns. Would you like to know what Terry wore? Yes, I remember it all! We got married on a Tuesday, and I had my hair half up in with this shell colored clip that had 3 prongs on it....I remember everything! Everything except several months out of the summer of 2007. My life had changed Oct 18, 2006 when I had thyroid surgery. One little misjudgment on the doctor's part, and my life would change forever! Some things are good changes, and some things are not, but what we learn from them makes all the difference. Let's just say that I've learned a lot.
I remember in June of that year that my dog got hit by a car. I was sitting playing outside with my kids, and this other dog started running towards us. Harley, our faithful family dog, has always watched the kids when they were outside. I think we probably should have called her "nana" after the dog in Peter Pan(giving the children their medicine and all). She's always followed the kids on their bikes, walked right next to them, and protected them from whatever...she's a herding dog, and that's just what they do. So when this dog was running towards us, Harley went out to tell it, "NO, stay away from my kids!" As she jumped off the curb this STUPID woman that was in a hurry to get home to watch Oprah(yes, she confirmed this!) was in such a hurry that she ran through the stop sign in front of my house, and she hit my dog going about 45 miles per hour. The only thing that saved our sweet dog was that she was VERY pregnant with 12 puppies. Harley went into labor later that day with her 12 puppies that didn't make it. It took her a week to deliver those babies, and by the end of the week, the house smelled of death. Yes, gross, but there is no other words I can use to describe it. I didn't sleep at all during this week. I had been on a ton of medication since my surgery. I counted once about 61 prescribed pills a day of muscle relaxers, pain meds, antidepressants, narcolepsy meds, calcium, thyroid meds, anti-anxiety meds ...everything I "needed". So for me not to sleep...well, I have no idea. I was a mess. Added to this all, we were struggling in our marriage and in our bank account. The last day that she delivered her last puppies, I had gone to the endocrinologist, and he'd told me that there was nothing they could do for the seizure like symptoms I was having or the tremors that shook my body. He never looked at me, but he kept his eyes on his paperwork and told me, "I can't help you." I sat in my car and screamed to God, "what do I have to do? How do I fix this? WHy are you doing this to ME?" Yeah, sad, I'm asking God why He was inflicting pain on ME....hello, he died on the cross to save my life! With no sleep and shaking like a crazy woman, I had to drive to pay our water bill, because it had been shut off for a week, because we didn't have the money to pay for it. We'd finally been given some money by friends to pay the bill. I sang the whole way, "yes, Jesus loves me" trying to force my mind that it was real. When I got home, Terry had to go to the doctor, because he was having blood pressure problems. I was so mad a him for not taking care of himself...this really makes me laugh now..I don't know why! He left, and I was in cooking dinner. I walked into the living room, and Harley was sitting in the couch licking herself. I noticed that Alexa's blanket was under her, so I told Harley to get off the couch as I was pulling up Alexa's blanket. THe reason she was licking was there were two babies that she'd just birthed, and she was trying to "lick them alive". She wanted them to wake up, and she just looked at me with this sad expression. Those babies had been in her for a week just rotting. I cracked then and there. That is really the last CLEAR memory that I have of that summer. I called Terry at the doctor's office and told the nurse, "I NEED TO TALK TO MY HUSBAND RIGHT NOW!" She must have thought that it was a 911 emergency, because I was so distraught! Told him to GET HOME! (Man, I must have been drugged really good for that one!) I was more worried about the dog than him getting well. When he got home, I laid down on the kitchen floor and just started crying. I'd had it! We were falling apart, and I'd reached my breaking point. Terry took the kids upstairs, and I got into the bathtub. I remember laying there thinking of a movie that I saw when I was a kid where this girl had slit her wrists and sat in the hot bathtub to make it go faster. I was in that bathtub thinking...I wish I had the guts, because I'm done with this! I didn't care at that moment...I was ready to runaway from it all. I probably sat in the bathtub for an hour crying. I just didn't know what to do with my life.
During July, we have birthdays for me, Wylie, Maggie, LT, and Aug 4 is Terry's bday. July is a huge month for us, because it's such a happy time. We always celebrate big for everyone. That July, I can't remember if we celebrated anyone's birthday, what we did, or what we got for anyone.
Also during this time, my dad had told me that he was going to call CPS on me for the condition of my house. I spend a week or so during this time cleaning up my house in a frenzy. I don't think I got it finished before everything happened.
Sometime around the middle of the month, Alexa came in and said that Bubba had touched her "bottom". All the kids had slept in one bedroom, because they wanted to. They each had separate bedrooms, but they always wanted to sleep in one bed. I really hadn't thought about it. I loved that they loved each other. I asked her, "where on your bottom?" She really didn't answer me, so I asked her to get a baby doll and show me. She pointed to her "girl parts". I kinda freaked. Bubba lives with us part time and with his mom part time, and we really don't know what goes on at his mom's house. She's driven drunk with him in the car. He has a step brother that comes and goes in the house. They've been mean to him so many times. So thoughts just went flooding through my mind. Were they just playing? Did he do it knowingly? What happened??? I called Terry and we decided to call the psychologist. We met with her the next day, and she said that we could call CPS(Child protective services) or she could, but it was going to look a lot better if we did it. So that afternoon, I called CPS on my family. I told them I didn't know...I just didn't know. Terry's ex wife was pissed. I mean PISSED! He knew that we had to do it. I wanted to know if she knew what was going on in her own house, but he didn't want to cause waves with her.
During this time(somewhere), I had been in and out of the hospital with ear infections and trying to figure out what was causing all of the pain I was in. At one point, Lucinda had come to visit me in the hospital, and I was begging Terry for my anti-anxiety medicine, and he was giving it to me, because he didn't know what else to do. I would freak if I thought I was going to run out of it, because I honestly felt horrible when I didn't have it. My life was falling apart, and I didn't know how to keep it together. So I was beginning to have an addiction to all of this medicine I was on, which is so hard for me to say.
(From Lucinda: I remember when you came from the hospital and when I talked with you...you wouldn't cry except when talking about your kiddos...The things that would normally make us(you and I) cry...you didn't cry at...I felt like I wasn't talking with my Angie. You told me that you were scared to cry because you didn't want people to worry. When we were on the phone and you would cry you would tell me not to worry about you and quickly quit crying. I'm not sure how long it took but sometime you were back to "my" angie...cry with me, etc.)
A funny moment I remember though was sitting out in the garage, and Wylie couldn't sleep one night, so he was jumping off of this shelf thing we had in our garage onto a bunch of pillows...I don't know, I remember it, and it cracks me up!
Soon after I got out of the hospital, my parents were called after I had asked Lucinda to call my mom to come down and help. She was in North Carolina visiting my sister at the time. (from Lucinda: I called her and told her that I was extremely worried about you. I was afraid we were going to get a phone call to say that you were dead. I asked her if she could come back to town when she got back from Kristen's and stay with you during the week so you could get rest. She agreed. I guess at some point your dad and mom decided to come and get the kids for the week. I am sure it was only going to be a week. I wonder if you thought that you lost your kids and that also sent you over the edge. I am sorry if that phone call to your parents to come and help caused you to try to take your life. I NEVER intended for them to come and take them. I always wonder if the kids had stayed would you have done it.) As soon as my mom got home, my dad and mom packed up the car, and they came to get the kids to take them to Dallas for "the week" to help me rest. Terry was worn out from taking care of me. While the kids were gone, I wanted to go do stuff. Do something. I'd been locked in my house(what I felt like), and I didn't want to just sleep. I wanted to get back on track with my husband. I remember so many nights sitting there praying, "God how do I fix this...show me! What do I do? Take it all away!" All Terry wanted to do that week was sleep...I later found out that the reason that they were called was that I had a meltdown in front of my 6 year old daughter. I was begging her to not let daddy take me away. I was begging her and screaming to protect me. (one of those moments that I hope she forgets!) We also bought a car that week...I didn't remember doing that until he told me later..lol
The night before the big day, he tried to take me to a mental health facility. I don't remember wanting to go...I don't even remember going, but I had packed my bags for a weeks stay. My insurance would pay for it, and they had room, but they didn't feel like I was bad enough to be admitted. Fortunately, I didn't go to that facility, because a week later, a patient was beaten to death by a staff member.
Also sometime in that week, I called Terry's ex wife, because I was concerned about T3. I was concerned that something had happened to him, because we were still not sure if he'd molested Alexa. She got really upset, and we ended up screaming at each other. Terry told me that he didn't know if he could forgive me for calling her. (T3 was cleared of everything, and it was deemed Child's play")
THE BIG DAY:
I woke up that morning, and Terry was at work, so I went into the garage to smoke. He came home around lunch time, and he'd brought me a sonic cookie dough blast and some peach tea. I begged him not to go back to work, because I had this delusion that he wasn't coming back. When he left, I honestly thought in my head that he wasn't ever coming back. He was leaving me, and I didn't know what to do. I sat down and emptied all of my pills that were downers. I'd just had them filled and I had over 100 pain pills(more like 150), over 100 muscle relaxers, over 100 lorazepam, and some sleeping pills. I dumped them in a huge pile. Then I got my "mother's story book" and made sure I had it next to me with a letter written to Terry and one that said that I didn't want my kids to go to my parents. I wanted lucinda to take them. I didn't think in my mind that Terry would be able to take care of them. The letter that I'd written to Terry was a very anger filled letter, and I know I've read it, but I don't remember what it said. I just blamed him for leaving me.
I called Lucinda and kept telling her that I was sorry. She didn't understand, but she says that she knew something was not right. I told her I'd just taken my medicine, so she knew that I was getting sleepy. I'd been drinking a little bit of my ice cream while we were talking. I put my other pills back in the box and put them in the closet that I kept my medicine in normally. I sat back down in the garage, and I took handful after handful of all of that medication. I thought to myself...no turning back now. I laid down on my garage floor and told God that I was ready to come home. I was done. I just couldn't hurt my family and friends anymore with the horrible behavior that I'd had. I'd hurt too many people, and I just knew that I was paying the price by losing everything that we had. Sometime after I laid down, I wrapped myself up in a thermal blanket. It was July 31 and 100 degree heat in that garage. I know that I wasn't with it, because I didn't have shorts on...funny to remember now?! lol Seriously, if you think you are going to die...wouldn't you put shorts on or cover up?
Later would I find out that Terry walked in the house around 7pm(7-8 hours after I'd taken the pills). He walked in and saw me laying in the garage. Went to go to the bathroom, and then he came back to check on me. He said that I was foaming at the mouth, and I was so swollen....more than I was with Wylie. he said that I almost looked distorted. He called 911, and then he started cleaning the garage. When they got there, they didn't know what I'd taken. He got the pill box out, and I was given several shots to counter act what I'd taken. I was taken to the hospital and I had my stomach pumped, but I didn't regain consciousness.
I had lots of weird dreams. I had a dream about this nurse(that actually took care of me). I dreamed that she had taken me down to 1960 and left me at a bail bonds place. she told me not to move so that the people wouldn't bother me, but I was worried about my wedding ring. The nurse(in reality) had told me not to move, because I was pulling all of my wires out. I had a dream about one of my other nurses had taken me home and she'd tied me to her couch, and she said that she wouldn't hurt me, but she was going to have sex with me and so were her sons. In reality, she'd tied me down, because I kicked her in the face. They had to keep me sedated, because I was coming off of all those medicines that I'd been on for 8 months. They were all coming out of my system. I'm so glad that I wasn't put into that first rehab place, because I'd have had to go through withdrawal on my own.
I remember really waking up and I think everyone was in the room with me. Mom, Dad, Terry....I don't know who else. I remember talking to them, but I thought my mom was Chad. I thought that Shirly was there with Johnna and Kelsey and some other little girl. It was Terry's birthday. He walked in and said he knew I was going to be ok, because I was putting my make up on. I don't really remember having makeup on, but ok? It was my husband's birthday that I woke up.
I remember my psychiatrist coming into my room, and he looked just like the guy form Princess Bride... inconceivable!! I told him about the spiders that were crawling out of my cup(NOT!).
On Sunday, I turned on the TV. I was alone. I couldn't see anything, because my contacts had dried out in my eyes, and I didn't have glasses. I remember listening to this guy preach a sermon, and I realized then that the things I could see clearly(the bugs coming out of my cup) were not real, because i didn't have any way to see them(glasses/contacts). The things that were blurry were real. I remember being so excited to have that revelation.
Terry went to the eye doctor that I'd last seen, and they woudn't gve him the prescription for my eye glasses, but he found htis other lady that used to work there, and she was able to call and get it. It was a God thing that they had a very similar pair of glasses for $40. I could see again. I could then read my Bible. I was stuck in an ICU room, and there were only visiting hours once in the morning and once at night. So I was all alone. When I realized that I was awake and aware...no vegetative state from taking all those pills, I was so excited to go to rehab and get "fixed".
During this time, I knew that people were in my house selling stuff. Trying to make money so that Terry was ok on money and also because he wasn't sure if I was going to come out of the hospital or not. I had made detailed lists about what I wanted to keep and what I didn't care if it went. He sold most everything in our house, and we had about a 10x10 space with what was left over. So much stuff gone forever, but we can't take it with us to heaven, right? This was the beginning of our new start. When I'd prayed for God to take it all away...this was one of the things that was taken away...the mess of my life.
I had everyone in amazement, because as soon as I woke up, I wanted to walk. Walk the halls of the ICU. This was the critical care unit that people were on that were in horrible shape. I was the first bed visitors saw when entered the ICU. I could hear everyone ask about me, because here I was up and wanting to walk laps! lol
They finally got a bed for me down in a regular room, but I had to have a babysitter with me at all times. They didn't know if I'd try to take my life again or not, so I couldn't even take a shower with the door shut. COudln't shave my legs(Gross!). I didn't have any clothes to put on ....sad. One thing I did miss was my clothes.
The guy from Kingood Mental hospital came to evaluate me one night, because they had to evaluate if I could be transported or not. He said that they didn't have a bed for me yet. He said that I could go home and show up the next morning, and all of hte sudden everyone in that room started freaking out. I told htem I was ready to go...I would do whatever I had to do to go to Kingwood. Terry wasn't there yet, and his mom and aunt were FREAKING out. I just wanted them to be quiet, and I wanted Terry there. He was on the way up there, and he was calling my psychiatrist, Dr. Noel to come in and help. When he got there, I was immediately calmed down. I wanted his mom and aunt to leave, because that was the closest thing to a panic attack I'd had since I woke up. The doctor told them that I'd wait in the hospital until I found a room. I just wanted a freakin cigarette at that point. I had a friend that Terry'd called when this all started to find out if I could get into Kingwood because that is where she worked, and it was supposed to be "the best". I got on the phone with her, and she said that I'd be able to smoke anytime I wanted to while I was there....lie! I told her I was fine, and she said, do you know what fine stants for...Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. lol...Never again will I say that I'm FINE.
THe next day I waited all day long to get a ride in the ambulance to Kingwood. I was ready to go, but then again, I was scared to death. I remember talking that day to Lucinda's mom and telling her how much I appreciated her being a mom to me for so many years. Thanking her for watching out for me.
When I got to Kingwood I was ok until I was checked into the first checkpoint and locked in. I sat in a room for 3 hours waiting to be checked in. It felt like forever, but I watched Dog the BOunty Hunter, and I cried. I hadn't eaten all day, and I was starving. The lady came in and I signed my life away. I had to be strip searched and checked out before I could go in....talk about scary. Then they dropped me off in this room with 2o or so people in it ages from 16-60. They all just stared at me. I was then, scared shitless! They told me that I could just have snacks until the next morning. It was almost family time, and all these people had families come in to visit them but me. It sank in then that I was alone and stuck.
To be continued...
I remember in June of that year that my dog got hit by a car. I was sitting playing outside with my kids, and this other dog started running towards us. Harley, our faithful family dog, has always watched the kids when they were outside. I think we probably should have called her "nana" after the dog in Peter Pan(giving the children their medicine and all). She's always followed the kids on their bikes, walked right next to them, and protected them from whatever...she's a herding dog, and that's just what they do. So when this dog was running towards us, Harley went out to tell it, "NO, stay away from my kids!" As she jumped off the curb this STUPID woman that was in a hurry to get home to watch Oprah(yes, she confirmed this!) was in such a hurry that she ran through the stop sign in front of my house, and she hit my dog going about 45 miles per hour. The only thing that saved our sweet dog was that she was VERY pregnant with 12 puppies. Harley went into labor later that day with her 12 puppies that didn't make it. It took her a week to deliver those babies, and by the end of the week, the house smelled of death. Yes, gross, but there is no other words I can use to describe it. I didn't sleep at all during this week. I had been on a ton of medication since my surgery. I counted once about 61 prescribed pills a day of muscle relaxers, pain meds, antidepressants, narcolepsy meds, calcium, thyroid meds, anti-anxiety meds ...everything I "needed". So for me not to sleep...well, I have no idea. I was a mess. Added to this all, we were struggling in our marriage and in our bank account. The last day that she delivered her last puppies, I had gone to the endocrinologist, and he'd told me that there was nothing they could do for the seizure like symptoms I was having or the tremors that shook my body. He never looked at me, but he kept his eyes on his paperwork and told me, "I can't help you." I sat in my car and screamed to God, "what do I have to do? How do I fix this? WHy are you doing this to ME?" Yeah, sad, I'm asking God why He was inflicting pain on ME....hello, he died on the cross to save my life! With no sleep and shaking like a crazy woman, I had to drive to pay our water bill, because it had been shut off for a week, because we didn't have the money to pay for it. We'd finally been given some money by friends to pay the bill. I sang the whole way, "yes, Jesus loves me" trying to force my mind that it was real. When I got home, Terry had to go to the doctor, because he was having blood pressure problems. I was so mad a him for not taking care of himself...this really makes me laugh now..I don't know why! He left, and I was in cooking dinner. I walked into the living room, and Harley was sitting in the couch licking herself. I noticed that Alexa's blanket was under her, so I told Harley to get off the couch as I was pulling up Alexa's blanket. THe reason she was licking was there were two babies that she'd just birthed, and she was trying to "lick them alive". She wanted them to wake up, and she just looked at me with this sad expression. Those babies had been in her for a week just rotting. I cracked then and there. That is really the last CLEAR memory that I have of that summer. I called Terry at the doctor's office and told the nurse, "I NEED TO TALK TO MY HUSBAND RIGHT NOW!" She must have thought that it was a 911 emergency, because I was so distraught! Told him to GET HOME! (Man, I must have been drugged really good for that one!) I was more worried about the dog than him getting well. When he got home, I laid down on the kitchen floor and just started crying. I'd had it! We were falling apart, and I'd reached my breaking point. Terry took the kids upstairs, and I got into the bathtub. I remember laying there thinking of a movie that I saw when I was a kid where this girl had slit her wrists and sat in the hot bathtub to make it go faster. I was in that bathtub thinking...I wish I had the guts, because I'm done with this! I didn't care at that moment...I was ready to runaway from it all. I probably sat in the bathtub for an hour crying. I just didn't know what to do with my life.
During July, we have birthdays for me, Wylie, Maggie, LT, and Aug 4 is Terry's bday. July is a huge month for us, because it's such a happy time
Also during this time, my dad had told me that he was going to call CPS on me for the condition of my house. I spend a week or so during this time cleaning up my house in a frenzy. I don't think I got it finished before everything happened.
Sometime around the middle of the month, Alexa came in and said that Bubba had touched her "bottom". All the kids had slept in one bedroom, because they wanted to. They each had separate bedrooms, but they always wanted to sleep in one bed. I really hadn't thought about it. I loved that they loved each other. I asked her, "where on your bottom?" She really didn't answer me, so I asked her to get a baby doll and show me. She pointed to her "girl parts". I kinda freaked. Bubba lives with us part time and with his mom part time, and we really don't know what goes on at his mom's house. She's driven drunk with him in the car. He has a step brother that comes and goes in the house. They've been mean to him so many times. So thoughts just went flooding through my mind. Were they just playing? Did he do it knowingly? What happened??? I called Terry and we decided to call the psychologist. We met with her the next day, and she said that we could call CPS(Child protective services) or she could, but it was going to look a lot better if we did it. So that afternoon, I called CPS on my family. I told them I didn't know...I just didn't know. Terry's ex wife was pissed. I mean PISSED! He knew that we had to do it. I wanted to know if she knew what was going on in her own house, but he didn't want to cause waves with her.
During this time(somewhere), I had been in and out of the hospital with ear infections and trying to figure out what was causing all of the pain I was in. At one point, Lucinda had come to visit me in the hospital, and I was begging Terry for my anti-anxiety medicine, and he was giving it to me, because he didn't know what else to do. I would freak if I thought I was going to run out of it, because I honestly felt horrible when I didn't have it. My life was falling apart, and I didn't know how to keep it together. So I was beginning to have an addiction to all of this medicine I was on, which is so hard for me to say.
(From Lucinda: I remember when you came from the hospital and when I talked with you...you wouldn't cry except when talking about your kiddos...The things that would normally make us(you and I) cry...you didn't cry at...I felt like I wasn't talking with my Angie. You told me that you were scared to cry because you didn't want people to worry. When we were on the phone and you would cry you would tell me not to worry about you and quickly quit crying. I'm not sure how long it took but sometime you were back to "my" angie...cry with me, etc.)
A funny moment I remember though was sitting out in the garage, and Wylie couldn't sleep one night, so he was jumping off of this shelf thing we had in our garage onto a bunch of pillows...I don't know, I remember it, and it cracks me up!
Soon after I got out of the hospital, my parents were called after I had asked Lucinda to call my mom to come down and help. She was in North Carolina visiting my sister at the time. (from Lucinda: I called her and told her that I was extremely worried about you. I was afraid we were going to get a phone call to say that you were dead. I asked her if she could come back to town when she got back from Kristen's and stay with you during the week so you could get rest. She agreed. I guess at some point your dad and mom decided to come and get the kids for the week. I am sure it was only going to be a week. I wonder if you thought that you lost your kids and that also sent you over the edge. I am sorry if that phone call to your parents to come and help caused you to try to take your life. I NEVER intended for them to come and take them. I always wonder if the kids had stayed would you have done it.) As soon as my mom got home, my dad and mom packed up the car, and they came to get the kids to take them to Dallas for "the week" to help me rest. Terry was worn out from taking care of me. While the kids were gone, I wanted to go do stuff. Do something. I'd been locked in my house(what I felt like), and I didn't want to just sleep. I wanted to get back on track with my husband. I remember so many nights sitting there praying, "God how do I fix this...show me! What do I do? Take it all away!" All Terry wanted to do that week was sleep...I later found out that the reason that they were called was that I had a meltdown in front of my 6 year old daughter. I was begging her to not let daddy take me away. I was begging her and screaming to protect me. (one of those moments that I hope she forgets!) We also bought a car that week...I didn't remember doing that until he told me later..lol
The night before the big day, he tried to take me to a mental health facility. I don't remember wanting to go...I don't even remember going, but I had packed my bags for a weeks stay. My insurance would pay for it, and they had room, but they didn't feel like I was bad enough to be admitted. Fortunately, I didn't go to that facility, because a week later, a patient was beaten to death by a staff member.
Also sometime in that week, I called Terry's ex wife, because I was concerned about T3. I was concerned that something had happened to him, because we were still not sure if he'd molested Alexa. She got really upset, and we ended up screaming at each other. Terry told me that he didn't know if he could forgive me for calling her. (T3 was cleared of everything, and it was deemed Child's play")
THE BIG DAY:
I woke up that morning, and Terry was at work, so I went into the garage to smoke. He came home around lunch time, and he'd brought me a sonic cookie dough blast and some peach tea. I begged him not to go back to work, because I had this delusion that he wasn't coming back. When he left, I honestly thought in my head that he wasn't ever coming back. He was leaving me, and I didn't know what to do. I sat down and emptied all of my pills that were downers. I'd just had them filled and I had over 100 pain pills(more like 150), over 100 muscle relaxers, over 100 lorazepam, and some sleeping pills. I dumped them in a huge pile. Then I got my "mother's story book" and made sure I had it next to me with a letter written to Terry and one that said that I didn't want my kids to go to my parents. I wanted lucinda to take them. I didn't think in my mind that Terry would be able to take care of them. The letter that I'd written to Terry was a very anger filled letter, and I know I've read it, but I don't remember what it said. I just blamed him for leaving me.
I called Lucinda and kept telling her that I was sorry. She didn't understand, but she says that she knew something was not right. I told her I'd just taken my medicine, so she knew that I was getting sleepy. I'd been drinking a little bit of my ice cream while we were talking. I put my other pills back in the box and put them in the closet that I kept my medicine in normally. I sat back down in the garage, and I took handful after handful of all of that medication. I thought to myself...no turning back now. I laid down on my garage floor and told God that I was ready to come home. I was done. I just couldn't hurt my family and friends anymore with the horrible behavior that I'd had. I'd hurt too many people, and I just knew that I was paying the price by losing everything that we had. Sometime after I laid down, I wrapped myself up in a thermal blanket. It was July 31 and 100 degree heat in that garage. I know that I wasn't with it, because I didn't have shorts on...funny to remember now?! lol Seriously, if you think you are going to die...wouldn't you put shorts on or cover up?
Later would I find out that Terry walked in the house around 7pm(7-8 hours after I'd taken the pills). He walked in and saw me laying in the garage. Went to go to the bathroom, and then he came back to check on me. He said that I was foaming at the mouth, and I was so swollen....more than I was with Wylie. he said that I almost looked distorted. He called 911, and then he started cleaning the garage. When they got there, they didn't know what I'd taken. He got the pill box out, and I was given several shots to counter act what I'd taken. I was taken to the hospital and I had my stomach pumped, but I didn't regain consciousness.
I had lots of weird dreams. I had a dream about this nurse(that actually took care of me). I dreamed that she had taken me down to 1960 and left me at a bail bonds place. she told me not to move so that the people wouldn't bother me, but I was worried about my wedding ring. The nurse(in reality) had told me not to move, because I was pulling all of my wires out. I had a dream about one of my other nurses had taken me home and she'd tied me to her couch, and she said that she wouldn't hurt me, but she was going to have sex with me and so were her sons. In reality, she'd tied me down, because I kicked her in the face. They had to keep me sedated, because I was coming off of all those medicines that I'd been on for 8 months. They were all coming out of my system. I'm so glad that I wasn't put into that first rehab place, because I'd have had to go through withdrawal on my own.
I remember really waking up and I think everyone was in the room with me. Mom, Dad, Terry....I don't know who else. I remember talking to them, but I thought my mom was Chad. I thought that Shirly was there with Johnna and Kelsey and some other little girl. It was Terry's birthday. He walked in and said he knew I was going to be ok, because I was putting my make up on. I don't really remember having makeup on, but ok? It was my husband's birthday that I woke up.
I remember my psychiatrist coming into my room, and he looked just like the guy form Princess Bride... inconceivable!! I told him about the spiders that were crawling out of my cup(NOT!).
On Sunday, I turned on the TV. I was alone. I couldn't see anything, because my contacts had dried out in my eyes, and I didn't have glasses. I remember listening to this guy preach a sermon, and I realized then that the things I could see clearly(the bugs coming out of my cup) were not real, because i didn't have any way to see them(glasses/contacts). The things that were blurry were real. I remember being so excited to have that revelation.
Terry went to the eye doctor that I'd last seen, and they woudn't gve him the prescription for my eye glasses, but he found htis other lady that used to work there, and she was able to call and get it. It was a God thing that they had a very similar pair of glasses for $40. I could see again. I could then read my Bible. I was stuck in an ICU room, and there were only visiting hours once in the morning and once at night. So I was all alone. When I realized that I was awake and aware...no vegetative state from taking all those pills, I was so excited to go to rehab and get "fixed".
During this time, I knew that people were in my house selling stuff. Trying to make money so that Terry was ok on money and also because he wasn't sure if I was going to come out of the hospital or not. I had made detailed lists about what I wanted to keep and what I didn't care if it went. He sold most everything in our house, and we had about a 10x10 space with what was left over. So much stuff gone forever, but we can't take it with us to heaven, right? This was the beginning of our new start. When I'd prayed for God to take it all away...this was one of the things that was taken away...the mess of my life.
I had everyone in amazement, because as soon as I woke up, I wanted to walk. Walk the halls of the ICU. This was the critical care unit that people were on that were in horrible shape. I was the first bed visitors saw when entered the ICU. I could hear everyone ask about me, because here I was up and wanting to walk laps! lol
They finally got a bed for me down in a regular room, but I had to have a babysitter with me at all times. They didn't know if I'd try to take my life again or not, so I couldn't even take a shower with the door shut. COudln't shave my legs(Gross!). I didn't have any clothes to put on ....sad. One thing I did miss was my clothes.
The guy from Kingood Mental hospital came to evaluate me one night, because they had to evaluate if I could be transported or not. He said that they didn't have a bed for me yet. He said that I could go home and show up the next morning, and all of hte sudden everyone in that room started freaking out. I told htem I was ready to go...I would do whatever I had to do to go to Kingwood. Terry wasn't there yet, and his mom and aunt were FREAKING out. I just wanted them to be quiet, and I wanted Terry there. He was on the way up there, and he was calling my psychiatrist, Dr. Noel to come in and help. When he got there, I was immediately calmed down. I wanted his mom and aunt to leave, because that was the closest thing to a panic attack I'd had since I woke up. The doctor told them that I'd wait in the hospital until I found a room. I just wanted a freakin cigarette at that point. I had a friend that Terry'd called when this all started to find out if I could get into Kingwood because that is where she worked, and it was supposed to be "the best". I got on the phone with her, and she said that I'd be able to smoke anytime I wanted to while I was there....lie! I told her I was fine, and she said, do you know what fine stants for...Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. lol...Never again will I say that I'm FINE.
THe next day I waited all day long to get a ride in the ambulance to Kingwood. I was ready to go, but then again, I was scared to death. I remember talking that day to Lucinda's mom and telling her how much I appreciated her being a mom to me for so many years. Thanking her for watching out for me.
When I got to Kingwood I was ok until I was checked into the first checkpoint and locked in. I sat in a room for 3 hours waiting to be checked in. It felt like forever, but I watched Dog the BOunty Hunter, and I cried. I hadn't eaten all day, and I was starving. The lady came in and I signed my life away. I had to be strip searched and checked out before I could go in....talk about scary. Then they dropped me off in this room with 2o or so people in it ages from 16-60. They all just stared at me. I was then, scared shitless! They told me that I could just have snacks until the next morning. It was almost family time, and all these people had families come in to visit them but me. It sank in then that I was alone and stuck.
To be continued...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The dreaded swim suit
Every girl dreads that trip..you know, the one to get the dreaded swim suit. The outfit that will most likely not cover all the flaws of a woman's body. You want to hide that tummy and especially for woman that have had the privilege to have children! You want to hide those legs. Make the boobs a little bigger and higher...lol. You know it's true! Some women won't even GO out in a swim suit, because they are so afraid of what other people might say or think.
When I was in high school/college, there was a boy that changed my thinking on things like this. I had met him when I was very thin, and as time went by, I added a few pounds. I used to point out to him all the time that I was fat. Most girls do that needing reassurance that they are still beautiful. After several years, we parted our ways, and one of the last things that I remember him telling me was, "Angie, I never noticed you had gained weight until you kept pointing it out to me. It never really mattered to me until it mattered to you." WOW! I learned a great lesson that day. I could sit and point out all of the ugly flaws that I thought I had and show people the things I didn't like about myself, or I could accept myself, move on, and be proud of the body that God gave me. That boy probably doesn't even know that was one moment that forever changed my life...and I'd like to thank him.
I met my husband a few years later, and he told me that he didn't like skinny girls...haha...I knew then that I would marry him one day, because I'd had hips since I was 12! LOL After 3 babies and all those horrific things that happen to your body when you have babies, he still thinks that I'm the sexiest woman alive. He still chases me, and most the time...I let him catch me! He even points to the flaws, and says, "That stretch mark got my baby here...thank you!" Sometimes I wonder if I sat and told him all of my flaws if he would see them? Would he look at me the same way? I really don't even look for the (outward) flaws anymore, because I am who I am because of the places I've been.
One of the first swim suits I tried on today, I bought. Like every summer, I will put on that suit with pride and go swimming EVERY day. I will walk with my head high and show my daughters that there is no too fat, too skinny, too droopy, too whatever it may be. We are woman of worth and the man that catches her one day should love her as their daddy loves their momma. He should look at her and make her feel like the most beautiful woman ever...just as their daddy does their mom.
When I was in high school/college, there was a boy that changed my thinking on things like this. I had met him when I was very thin, and as time went by, I added a few pounds. I used to point out to him all the time that I was fat. Most girls do that needing reassurance that they are still beautiful. After several years, we parted our ways, and one of the last things that I remember him telling me was, "Angie, I never noticed you had gained weight until you kept pointing it out to me. It never really mattered to me until it mattered to you." WOW! I learned a great lesson that day. I could sit and point out all of the ugly flaws that I thought I had and show people the things I didn't like about myself, or I could accept myself, move on, and be proud of the body that God gave me. That boy probably doesn't even know that was one moment that forever changed my life...and I'd like to thank him.
I met my husband a few years later, and he told me that he didn't like skinny girls...haha...I knew then that I would marry him one day, because I'd had hips since I was 12! LOL After 3 babies and all those horrific things that happen to your body when you have babies, he still thinks that I'm the sexiest woman alive. He still chases me, and most the time...I let him catch me! He even points to the flaws, and says, "That stretch mark got my baby here...thank you!" Sometimes I wonder if I sat and told him all of my flaws if he would see them? Would he look at me the same way? I really don't even look for the (outward) flaws anymore, because I am who I am because of the places I've been.
One of the first swim suits I tried on today, I bought. Like every summer, I will put on that suit with pride and go swimming EVERY day. I will walk with my head high and show my daughters that there is no too fat, too skinny, too droopy, too whatever it may be. We are woman of worth and the man that catches her one day should love her as their daddy loves their momma. He should look at her and make her feel like the most beautiful woman ever...just as their daddy does their mom.
Monday, April 12, 2010
pointing out sin
Ok...so I'm blogging, because I'm kinda mad! Seems like I always get it out best when I write. So I wrote something on my facebook today about a boy that lives down the street. He's 8 years old, and he was drinking one of those 5 hour energy shots. I was just shocked. I guess I shouldn't be shocked though, because so many crazy things happen at his house. Last year, he walked down to my house and his eye was swollen shut. I asked him what happened, and apparently a bug had bitten him. I asked if his mom had taken him to the doctor, and he said, "no, she's sleeping" I was so upset that I walked down to his house, woke up his mom, and asked what she was going to do about it. Another morning last summer, Terry was heading out to work at 530 or so, and James was headed down to my house to play. Terry told him to go back home, because no one was awake. The mother has already had one child taken away by the state. I'm not sure why James(the little boy) was not taken when the oldest one was? Anyway, his parents buy him bags among bags of candy. In part, I think they buy it to keep him happy and out of their site. On the other hand, I think he wants it to bribe people to play with him. Ack..back to my frustration...I had a friend reply to the status telling me to stop gossiping. I was speechless. I seriously sat for about an hour thinking on what I would say back to her or if I would respond at all. She's always got comments on her page that are so negative and complaining and "jon and kate" and how stupid they are. She sends me a message privately that I should be a better Christian. WTH? I'm so sensitive to what I put on FB. Are you serious? Man, I just wanted to scream. Still debating on whether to take her off my fb and move on...I just don't know. Is it a full moon tonight or what?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The Fair Game
Growing up, I always struggled with fairness. I never really felt like I got it, but I always FOUGHT to the end for it. Looking back, I see a different perspective even still. I strive to make things fair between my kids because of this.
All grown up, I still fight the fight for fairness. Seems like this time I really don't have much of a say, and it hurts. I want it so bad! I want it to come easy without me asking. It's my true passion. Why does it still not seem to be fair? Seriously? Am I just not quite good enough...I'd rather quit then. I don't want to be 1/2 good. Do I say something? I really don't want to do that! Do I just sit and enjoy the ride and wait for more answers when it is so hard and frustrating? Or, do I just quit and move on to other things in life? hmmmm so many things going through my head.
I've learned to accept myself for who I am. I haven't settled for just "OK" with so many things. I've set boundaries. I feel like I'm for the most part fair with myself. I try to be fair with everything.
Life's not fair....but it can be! Grrrr
All grown up, I still fight the fight for fairness. Seems like this time I really don't have much of a say, and it hurts. I want it so bad! I want it to come easy without me asking. It's my true passion. Why does it still not seem to be fair? Seriously? Am I just not quite good enough...I'd rather quit then. I don't want to be 1/2 good. Do I say something? I really don't want to do that! Do I just sit and enjoy the ride and wait for more answers when it is so hard and frustrating? Or, do I just quit and move on to other things in life? hmmmm so many things going through my head.
I've learned to accept myself for who I am. I haven't settled for just "OK" with so many things. I've set boundaries. I feel like I'm for the most part fair with myself. I try to be fair with everything.
Life's not fair....but it can be! Grrrr
Thursday, March 25, 2010
March 25. Post operation Appointment
Went to my appointment today. Everything looks like it's healing great. She told me that the lab work had come back and that everything was benign. THEN, she told me that there were 3 tumors that were "good size". My jaw dropped. I"ve had a sonogram, a ct scan, and all these tests run, and nothing has ever showed up!!! Makes you really wonder about technology and second opinions, eh? She is still not sure that is what was causing the swelling, but I can imagine with 3 "good size" tumors, scar tissue, and adhesions, there is a good chance that is the answer. I also got a letter from my GI doctor this past week that said after further testing, he was requesting a sonogram on my gall bladder. My gyno said that she didn't think it was a bad idea to go ahead and have it checked out. I'm going to call my insurance company tomorrow and find out if it will be covered and then schedule it. I really think that my gyno was a GOD SEND! I don't know if a few years ago I would have gone to get a 2nd or 3rd opinion. I've always just trusted what doctors told me and trusted what test results came back. I no longer put these things on a pedestal like I did before!
All the nurses and doctor were in tears as I left. I'd shared my story, and they were 1. happy that she found the answer and have been healed, and 2. I think they saw first hand the difference made in my life. If you are in the Houston/Humble/Spring area and are in need of a good gyno, let me know, and I'll send you her name. She is the most caring doctor, and the nurses there are just as caring. When I went in for my first appointment, the doctor had to do a pelvic, and I was in so much pain that I was almost screaming. THe nurse held me hand with her one hand and gently rubbed my arm with her other hand as she spoke to me with a soft gentle angel like voice. I know that sounds corny, but touch is the most amazing thing to someone. It can calm the roaring seas of emotions.
I go back in 2 weeks for my internal check and release from all activity ;) My pain is gone, my swelling is gone, and I've lost 4 pounds.
I can not even begin to explain the amazing journey that God has brought me on through this all. When this all started, I thought...why me? Why again? What have I not learned? Don't you know I trust you God? Well...I didn't really trust Him. I wanted to control what was going on and I couldn't really let go. After talking with my pastor's wife one day, I heard myself say...I can deal with whatever it is, but I can't deal with not knowing what it is. It hit me...I'm not really giving this over to Him, am I? I looked at it then with new eyes. I've continued to ask why and what, but I started asking with a new direction. What do you want me to know, because I know I have more to learn. Why am I going through this? What are you teaching me, God? Leaning on the everlasting arms...He has never left me or forsaken me. He has taught me more than I could have ever imagined, and I am thankful beyond measure that I recognized MY control issues and just went along for the ride and never giving up. Trials are not for us to sulk, pout, and live negatively about, they are to grow us in ways that we never could have been grown otherwise. I"m feeling like a new person. Waking up with no pain is a blessing every day.
Thank you so much for your encouragement, laughs, prayers, shoulders to cry on, help with my family and their needs, and just being my friend. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for in life. I have the best family and husband.
What's next in life? Who knows? Life is never dull around my house, so I'm sure our next chapter of life will emerge somewhere or sometime soon, but that's ok. When we need God is when we are closest to Him.
God never says that He will not give you more than you can handle, but He will provide a way for you to endure.
1 Corinthians 10:13 (New Living Translation)
13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.
All the nurses and doctor were in tears as I left. I'd shared my story, and they were 1. happy that she found the answer and have been healed, and 2. I think they saw first hand the difference made in my life. If you are in the Houston/Humble/Spring area and are in need of a good gyno, let me know, and I'll send you her name. She is the most caring doctor, and the nurses there are just as caring. When I went in for my first appointment, the doctor had to do a pelvic, and I was in so much pain that I was almost screaming. THe nurse held me hand with her one hand and gently rubbed my arm with her other hand as she spoke to me with a soft gentle angel like voice. I know that sounds corny, but touch is the most amazing thing to someone. It can calm the roaring seas of emotions.
I go back in 2 weeks for my internal check and release from all activity ;) My pain is gone, my swelling is gone, and I've lost 4 pounds.
I can not even begin to explain the amazing journey that God has brought me on through this all. When this all started, I thought...why me? Why again? What have I not learned? Don't you know I trust you God? Well...I didn't really trust Him. I wanted to control what was going on and I couldn't really let go. After talking with my pastor's wife one day, I heard myself say...I can deal with whatever it is, but I can't deal with not knowing what it is. It hit me...I'm not really giving this over to Him, am I? I looked at it then with new eyes. I've continued to ask why and what, but I started asking with a new direction. What do you want me to know, because I know I have more to learn. Why am I going through this? What are you teaching me, God? Leaning on the everlasting arms...He has never left me or forsaken me. He has taught me more than I could have ever imagined, and I am thankful beyond measure that I recognized MY control issues and just went along for the ride and never giving up. Trials are not for us to sulk, pout, and live negatively about, they are to grow us in ways that we never could have been grown otherwise. I"m feeling like a new person. Waking up with no pain is a blessing every day.
Thank you so much for your encouragement, laughs, prayers, shoulders to cry on, help with my family and their needs, and just being my friend. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for in life. I have the best family and husband.
What's next in life? Who knows? Life is never dull around my house, so I'm sure our next chapter of life will emerge somewhere or sometime soon, but that's ok. When we need God is when we are closest to Him.
God never says that He will not give you more than you can handle, but He will provide a way for you to endure.
1 Corinthians 10:13 (New Living Translation)
13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)