Being good enough

Sometimes I just feel like I'm not good at anything...not like OK good, but REALLY good. I'm just OK good with this and that. I know I'm just having a pity party day, but I want to find what I'm really good at...I know if Lucy is reading this right now, she's probably thinking, "Angie, you can fold sheets like no one else!" lol

A simple surgery

yes, 2 blogs in one night. A lot racing through my head right now!

When I went in for my thyroid surgery, it was supposed to be a "simple surgery". In and out in a day. Who knew that there could be problems? Not me! I didn't research it. I didn't care. I wanted a simple fix. Take that sucker out, give me some synthroid, and send me home...right? Oh so wrong. I knew that Terry would be worried. Hospitals and surgeries make him very nervous. Stems from his mom being sick when he was 16. I promised him I would "behave" (LOL), and it would be OK! As I laid in bed before I was wheeled in, it hit me that the doctor would be slicing my neck open...yikes! We were joking and being silly...it's what we do. We prayed before I was wheeled off. I really don't remember much after that until my life changing moment. I woke up the next morning. I remember Terry standing by my side. Something was wrong, but I really couldn't figure out what it was. Why were people racing around me? The doctor was standing at the end of my bed reading my chart. Out of nowhere, my fingertips and toes started to tingle. Man were they tight! The feeling started to creep up my legs and arms. My heart started to feel numb. I started to tell Terry that I wasn't feeling good...it was moving up all around me. I was shaking, numb, pins and needles...I was loosing my breathe. I felt like there was a 1000 pound weight put on top of my chest. My thoughts...Terry...oh Terry I'm so sorry! I promised everything would be ok. He's probably freaking out, and I'm so sorry! My lips began to curve in..I couldn't say anything but I"M SORRY! I was violently shaking, and I couldn't breathe. Somebody help me...I'm sorry! Again, I couldn't remember anything until I woke up in another room. ICU. The pain and shakes returned again and again. NO amount of morphine could kill the monster that had taken over me.
My nurse had forgotten to take a blood level. A simple blood level that would have kept me from going into a major thyroid storm. My body had turned on me, because I had no parathyroid to accept calcium. NO calcium equals rock hard muscles.
A simple surgery.
NOw as I wait for the call to schedule my next simple surgery, I sit here and wonder...will it be a simple surgery? Have I done enough research? Have I weighed all of the options? Dear Lord, please let this be a simple surgery. I love my life too much to give up again. I love my children and my husband too much to think of them alone. Please heal my body.

Big Lips

When I was little I told my mom that I hated my lips. They were big! Why I picked my lips...I'm not so sure! I knew that there was not really anything "special" about my looks, but why I picked my lips? My mom told me, "Angie, people PAY for lips like yours!" I now look at my lips and think...People do pay for lips like mine! LOL My mom probably doesn't remember saying that to me, but I will never forget that huge compliment she gave me.
I wonder what will stick out in my children's mind. What will I say or do that they will remember? Will they remember that I was uplifting or that I yelled at them at the wrong moment. Will they know how much I truly love them, or will they feel like they were never good enough. Will they know that I love each of them for the individual person they are, or will they feel like they were left out. What words will hurt them the most? What words will they hold dear? What will be their favorite moment of childhood? What will be their favorite meal? Makes you wonder, and it scares the crap out of me! I do know that every day I pray for my children, and I pray that I am the best mom I can be.

The beauty of the Lord

Another old note that I wrote this past summer..

Last night I went out on a date night with my husband, Terry. I was so excited. I rushed to get all my kids settled in with friends house to spend the night. After dropping off our last child, Terry and I were walking to the car excited about having a night alone. I looked down and my shirt had "kid stains" on it. My hair had been thrown up in a pony tail, because I hadn't had time to get it fixed before we left. I had little to no makeup on my face. I'd 1/2 shaved my legs, because I was hurrying to get their stuff done, and I forgot the other half. The polish on my toes was coming off. Man, I was going on a date with my husband like this? We went by the house so that I could at least change shirts, and as we were walking out of the house, Terry looked at me and said, "um, you have a stain on that shirt as well!" I just didn't feel pretty! Having 4 kids can do a lot to you. As we were riding along, I was sitting thinking about all my imperfections; my tummy and other things that have gone south since having children, my tired eyes, my hair falling out because of health problems, stretch marks, on and on...man, how things have changed since I was in high school!
But you know what? I am still pretty. God made me just the way I am. He knows me and sees me as His most beautiful creation. Who am I to say, "well God, you made a few mistakes and why couldn't you have just fixed this or that?" I am wonderfully and beautifully made! He made me and knew exactly how He wanted me! Who could ask for more?
My grandfather put a Bible verse in the Bible he gave me when I was 13. It was probably the first verse I knew by heart and found real meaning in....Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord, SHE SHALL BE PRAISED! As a teenager, mother, growing woman, we need to repeat this verse to ourselves. Are you a woman who fears and loves the Lord...you are beautiful!

A friend loveth at all times

Today I had a light bulb moment. It doesn't seem that it would be such a big thing...but it was to me.

I had a friend over for lunch today. We've been slowly getting to know one another, and I was so excited. As we've talked more and more, I realized that I really liked her personality, and I think we are going to be friends for a long time. While we were talking, I had the sudden urge to tell her something. It was like one of those...just so you know what you are getting into moments. Just so you know, I've been sick for a long time. I don't see it changing anytime soon, so run now if you need to? I told her(natalie!), I don't want people to feel sorry for me. It's like when I talk about being sick, it's kind of like other people talk about their kids getting on the bus. It's just part of my life. I need my friends to make me laugh and be silly about it. I don't need someone to feel bad. Of course, sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on. It's not like I sit and feel sorry for myself, and I don't want people to think that I'm needy.
I guess this stems from when I was sick a few years ago, I lost all of my friends but the ones that truly mattered. When you go through hard times, you realize very quickly who your friends are and who is just around for the fun. A friend loveth at all times....just not the times that you are lovable! I've learned that I don't want to "piddle" around with people trying to see if they are going to stick. I want real friends. Friends like Lucinda and Rachel that have been my rock and my laughter when I was sitting on sinking sand. These are things that I've known.
My light bulb moment came when I went to church afterwards. I was sitting around several people that I know but not really all the way. So many people ask me these days, "so how are you feeling?" Sometimes I hate answering, because you know, it just kinda stays the same. How am I really feeling?? Do you want to know if I'm hurting or if it's a pain free day? Do you want to know if I'm happy or sad? Do you just want to hear me say ok or fine? What do you really want to know? I don't want to sound pessimistic in all this, and I am so thankful for all of the prayers.
My answer tonight was "ok". Someone said...no really, HOW ARE YOU FEELING? I answered....well, on a 1 to 3 scale...I'm a 2. I'm happy, I'm learning, and I'm trusting in God. The light bulb was that these people were not just asking like it was the weather. They didn't just want to hear OK...they really wanted to know. We've found a church that exceeds all expectations of a church. People really do care, and they mean what they say. What an awesome wonderful feeling! Seriously. I laughed a little, cried a little, and felt way better about what is going on when I walked out of that church door. My life is not surrounded with people that are just "there" anymore. My life is surrounded by people that care, that will most likely love me through the ugly, and that are full of well...Grace.
I didn't ever have to give natalie a warning...I think she already knew. I think that I already knew as well, that she knows me well enough to know I'm not a wallower. I don't know if this all made sense, but it was on my mind. I've thought about going back and editing it, but I'm not going to...it's my real thought process! <3 to you

My ladybug Lulu

Just sitting here thinking of my sweet Alexa Lu. From the moment I held her in my arms, I knew that she was so special. She changed my life in so many ways. The beginning of her life was a little scary for me. Married to a man that was wicked in so many ways, I was scared of what our life was going to be like. 2 weeks after she was born, he left. Such truth in the saying, "anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad". Her father had left, but her daddy would enter her life a year and a half later. She knows the truth now, and she says, "I don't want anyone but my daddy. What a blessing she has in Terry. He adopted her when she was 4. We talked about it before we ever got married. I told him that Alexa didn't have a dad, and he replied...Angie, you've got to be kidding me. SHe's mine. What an incredible feeling to have someone call you "mine". He didn't get a child by chance, he personally took her into his life and arms, and he's never acted any other way.
Alexa has always been a shy one. She started talking with a binky in her mouth, and because of that, she always spoke a little different. People couldn't understand her, so so just wouldn't talk. She instead began writing and reading at a very young age. I can remember when she was 3, she started writing in journals..so much like her mom in that way! We moved several times in the course of her first few years, which didn't help the shyness.
This last year we really saw her start to come out of her shell. She started talking and being silly. Our excitement turned to sadness this year though. The kids in her class have been so incredibly mean to her. NOthing a parent ever wants to see their child go through. She has been crawling back in her shell. They kids at school push and kick her, call her names(most recently Medusa), and make fun of her for not having a boyfriend...like a 10 year old needs a boyfriend? REALLY! I pray that she finds good friends....great friends that protect her, give her confidence, and are loyal. Friends that find the best in the incredible child that she is. I pray that her talents just shine through. I pray that no matter what she knows how truly special she is...not once, but 2 times she has been hand picked! Yes, 2 times...she was picked by her daddy on earth and her daddy in Heaven! I'm so thankful that Alexa knows and understands God's love. I pray that her daddy and I do all the right things and all the things we can to love and support her and to make her feel like she is the princess she is.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you..please don't take my sunshine away. I used to sing this to Alexa every night. She told her pre-k teacher that she knew her mommy loved her, because she sang that song to her. I find so much more meaning in that song now. Please don't take the sunshine that we see from our little girl. Please keep her full of light. She makes me so happy. She turned my life from a crazy party-girl, insecure girl into a mom that had never known the love that I had never felt for anyone before. I named her after the 2 most important people in my life. Alex(a)...my granddaddy that was my hero, and Lucinda, my best friend of 20 years.
"charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord, SHE SHALL BE PRAISED!

Butterflies

Going through old notes, and posting the ones that I hold especially dear to my heart. I wrote this Summer of 2009...

Do you appreciate those butterflies?

As most of you know, I went to Dallas this past week to visit my family. I stayed with my parents and my cousin, Paul, that I have not seen since my grandfather’s funeral (Feb 2001), my sister and her family before their 3 year trip to Japan, and my cousin that recently lost his wife. We left of Tuesday morning to come back, and my husband took 3 of the kids and the dog in the van, while I got the quiet, sleepy, and beautiful Alexa riding in the other car! Talk about appreciation right there! As I drove the long drive back to Houston, I started to think about how much I have to appreciate. Yeah, everyone says that sometimes, but REALLY….let me count thy ways!

For me to really be able to explain all of this, I need to go back a little. In 2002, I married the best man ever that adopted my daughter from a previous marriage. As soon as we got married, we got pregnant with Wylie…10 week old-2 pound-preemie baby. We lost our business shortly after, and right as Terry started his new job, we found out I was pregnant with Maggie. Scared to death, because we were told, “You and this baby are most likely not going to make it!” after I had such a terrible pregnancy with Wylie. God had lead us through so many deserts of life, and then we were hit with the biggest challenge we would ever hit.

In Oct 2006, I went in to have my thyroid removed. It was supposed to be a fairly easy surgery with an easy recovery! No problems, right? Wrong, The doctor messed some things up, a nurse forgot to take a blood level, and I ended up in the ICU for several weeks. I was very sick! I couldn’t walk, talk, or handle daily tasks, because I had problem after problem resulting from my surgery. At one point, I was taking like 60 pills a day prescribed by my doctor for all of the complications(muscle relaxers, vicodin, lorazapam, antidepressants, sleeping pills, major doses of calcium, vitamin D, narcolepsy meds…you name it!). I was told by every doctor I went to that they didn’t know what to do with me or how to fix me. My problems just got worse and worse. I prayed every minute of every day that God heal me! Give these doctors a clue! Help me fix this! I know He was with me every minute of every day, but I just couldn’t see clear as to what, why, when, …I had always been the happiest person in the room, but I saw no hope in life during the following months. I couldn’t see the sun because of the clouds….

On July 31, 2007 I gave up. I was ready to go home to sit in God’s lap! My children were away visiting my parents, my husband left for work, and I swallowed every pill I had (about 500 at the time) and laid down in my garage wrapped in a blanket, and said, “Come and get me…I’m ready!” WELL, He wasn’t ready for me ;0). My husband found me that evening, and I spent the next I don’t know how many days/weeks in a coma. Not knowing if I was going to wake or what I was going to be like if I did wake up, my friends and husband sold most everything that was in my house…everything!!!! I came home in the end of August to a 10X10 storage unit consisting of a bed, my grandmother’s china, and a few misc other things. All my worldly possessions gone! On top of that, my children were in Dallas, and no one would tell me when they could come home. During my hospital stay, the doctor’s were able to mostly “fix” me.

This story to say,
I drove home with the radio off while Alexa slept soundly thinking about how my life has changed in 2 years. So I started counting the ways..

1. I have a husband that is my best friend. He takes care of me, loves me when I’m unlovable, While in Dallas, I had dinner with my cousin who lost his wife of one year this past Feb. She died suddenly at a very young age. I saw the fresh pain of loosing a spouse…what I almost did to my husband voluntarily. He’s doing good…btw.
2. I have 3 ½ (lol) children that God has blessed my every day with…when you are away from them for 4-5 months, you realize that even the worst of days are the best! I get pregnant just LOOKing at my husband, while so many of my friends struggle to get pregnant or have children or are going through adoption.
3. I have a much better relationship with my family. I hadn’t ever felt like I really fit in, but I know and feel how much my parents love me now. Even my sister is one of my best friends! TO think of her being in Japan for 3 years made me bawl like a baby!
4. I have a home…something I didn’t have for several months, because we lived in a hotel while the kids were in Dallas. We moved into our house that we live in now November 07 with a bed, vacuum, and plates! Lol I even have a kitchen table to eat at now ;0)
5. I have found my cousin after living so long thinking he was not even alive. I saw God’s hand work in so many ways bringing him home and back together with his mom and dad and getting to hug his neck.
6. I have my health. I have little to no problems with all my blood levels (most of the time). There are still occasional days that I hurt like the dickens or feel like I have the flu, but they are few and far between! When they come, I know there is an end to the pain…it can be fixed!
7. I have a car that’s paid for…lol We lost our car during the hurricane last year, and we were able to buy a car with cash in February of this year! No car payment!
8. I have a faith in God that is beyond what words can say! He has brought me through hell to discover what “heaven” I do have on this earth, and He is going to bring me home when HE is good and ready! Nothing “of this world” will ever matter like it did before!
9. I have the best friends in the world. I lost all but a handful of friends during my recovery. You find out who your REAL friends are when things get tough! We have since been blessed with so many incredible friends, and our children have made so many wonderful friends as well!
10. I have a life! I am here! God must have some big plans for me, because from my last 2 pregnancies, to my surgery, to that day in July I have seen my life flash before my eyes so many times!
11. I react to things differently than I ever did before. I used to cry all the time(happy, sad, angry, commercials..you name it!). I don’t cry that much anymore, but I feel a joy and sense of peace that indescribable! I don’t get mad like I used to or hold grudges. I still laugh at pretty much everything! I make more messes with my children.

I appreciate so many things.
I cherish everything just a little bit more!
I realize that the sun should never go down on that anger, because tomorrow may never come.
Don’t worry about the little worries of life, but enjoy the big things in your life!
Tell more people about what God has done in your life, because too many people are lost in this world!
Never give up on God…cause He knows better than you do!


Get an umbrella for those rainy days, or just get out and dance in the rain….the rain is coming, so what are you going to do about it?

Appreciate those butterflies?

I heard a quote while I was in rehab that said, “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she woke up to be a beautiful butterfly!” My butterfly day has come and gone…my wings are spread, and I’m flying with my faith in HIM!

I don’t know how many people will read this far, or how many will really understand…but I just wanted to share my butterfly day with you!